The myth that real love can happen only once in a lifetime was invented by romantics
The bitterness of a break-up is a severe pain. It should be respected. Even our Lord, as we can see in the Old Testament, felt pain and grief when people of Israel betrayed Him.
Obviously, the pain caused by the loss of your beloved cannot be made up with some work. What is work compare to love? Life is not about work but about love. Love is life with God. Love in marriage is the living with your spouse. Where there is no life together with your beloved then there is the pain and grief.
I believe that in no way you should keep silent about this pain. You shouldn’t hide it from your partner that has left you. Express it somehow. Cry, grieve, shout, write poetry, dive into creative work. The only thing you mustn’t do is to curse him. Don’t bear malice and don’t humiliate him.
I’ve got a good example for you. When we were students, several of us became married couples. We met again in five years after our graduation. One couple had separated - the wife of my friend left him for another man. Surprisingly, when we were sitting around the table my friend said, ‘Guys, hold your tongues! Don’t discuss my wife. She’s out of discussion.’ Such a chivalry even though he was just a simple and ordinary guy won our hearts. Everybody knew his wife had cheated on him but he wouldn’t let us talk bad about her.
You shouldn’t tell everyone about what happened. Love is something that should be kept deep inside. You mustn’t throw your love in the mud babbling about it with others, as if ‘casting pearls before swine’. You may trust your feelings to a friend or priest or psychologist but don’t talk it over with everybody.
You should change your attitude to the events that have happened. Often you don’t have the perspective to see the situation in the true light right away.
First, you have to acknowledge the free will of your beloved including the free will to leave you. If you respect his personality, you should also respect his right to make a choice. This alone might ease your pain.
Second, you should admit, that was an important lesson to you which made you understand yourself better, helped in finding certain qualities within that you hadn’t noticed before. However, don’t get too far in self-reproach. Your partner has left you not because you were bad but due to his own reasons. You may ponder and get into self-knowledge practices only if you know for sure that the causes of his leaving were your own weak points. If you’re not certain of that there is no grounds for blaming yourself.
Finally, you should agree that our life includes both happy and painful moments as well. Life is more than just your pain and it does not end after the break-up.
I’m not saying ‘don’t you feel bad, there is still much joy to come.’ You’ll go through various emotional states but your current pain doesn’t mean that all your life is going to turn into such suffering. Many other things will happen to you in a future.
This pain will be over one day. What you shouldn’t do is to hold your pain inside and keep on maintaining bad spirit intentionally. Take your time to have a good cry but don’t start crying all over again when the flood of tears has run out. Sometimes we tend to think ‘I’ll love you and cry about you forever.’ But this isn’t true. Thanks to human nature the tears will stop eventually and pain will decrease. Give yourself a chance to forget this pain and fall in love one more time. Often people don’t allow themselves falling in love again due to some ‘reasons of principle’ for they believe love is something that can happen only once in a lifetime. Let me tell you, such an idea was invented by romantic people!
Love is infinite. Ok, probably you’ll love this particular woman as no one else in the whole world. Nevertheless, you can meet another woman and fall in love with her. Stubbornness is the only reason why some people tell themselves, ‘I won’t fall in love with anybody else ‘cause I’m a man of principle and faith.’
Are you ready to reject the experience you had in your life?
It’s valuable in itself, isn’t it? A man who has survived some bad times is worth two men whose life has always been cakes and ale. This is obvious to me.
First of all, it’s a lesson of respect for any person whom I’m ready to fall in love with or who loves me. You have to respect somebody else’s feelings, freedom, personality. Nothing good can arise if there is no respect to other person.
Actually, à human being is much more than he/she is at any particular moment. Within each man/woman there is a Divine spark, the image of God and everyone of us is beautiful. Confidence in it makes the one I love even more beautiful. Say, a young man falls in love with a girl of easy virtue imagining her being a lady of his dream. Later on he discovers her immoral way of living and starts to humiliate and beat her up because she appeared to have nothing in common with his romantic dreams. A mature person would never go for such a behavior, he would realize he made a mistake and would accept her the way she was. Ok, she had been through her bad times; but he would believe in her being a great person deep inside which could make her wish to be a better person, the one he always dreamed about. Thus, you should always give your partner a chance to fit with your desire.
There is one more useful lesson to learn: don’t make things up, don’t bear false expectations. It’s rather common for a man to worship his beloved lady. Sometimes young men wish their lovers played a perfect part just like in movies. Thing is, women like such pretensions least of all. Moreover, you may worship God only and no one else. A woman deserving your love is just a woman and not a goddess. She is a human being with her own problems, family traits and previous experience. As they say, we all have a skeleton in the closet and so does your chosen one.
Being more realistic, women are easier on making a compromise. It is men who cannot forgive their dream being ruined. A romantic man is a very dangerous person since his romanticism can convert him into a destroyer. As the history of German nation shows, the romanticising leads to fascism, to something opposite so to say. Therefore, imagining his girl as a perfect lady a man can become her spiteful oppressor and judge.
Ðriest Andrew Lorgus
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God’s love can compensate for the lack of any other love (Archpriest Igor Gagarin)
Understand and accept yourself (Psychologist Irene Karpenko)