Getting over a break up

Like Lot leaving the burning city, don’t look back

‘Crisis’ (Greek) means ‘judgment’. A break-up is accompanied by the re-evaluation of life in the past. People start to judge themselves. Self-appraisal may crash drastically. Have the courage to acknowledge your mistakes but don’t go into cycles of perpetual analysis. You’ve gone through a psychological knockout. A boxer wins only if he can quickly stand up after his opponent’s punch; and so we shouldn’t lie down when we have got a blow from life, but stand up as soon as possible and start fighting again.

There is a story in the Old Testament of Lot and his wife running out of a burning city. He cried to her, ‘Don’t turn back, otherwise you’ll become a pillar of salt.’ When we start going in circles because of our past thoughts and feelings, it paralyzes us. We become like a salt column. We can’t keep on going anymore.

In order to get out of this condition, make the first step - say farewell to the city. There are many interesting events in the future, many other cities. Among them there is that very place that you’ll like most of all. It’s your native town where you can find your refuge. Turn to this city. Don’t get any load except your smile and hit the road with a light spirit – go forward, just forward!

Say ‘farewell, that’s it.’ Especially since the decision was made without your input.

What does it mean to say farewell? It means to forgive - two souls become reconciled. It means to say to that person, ‘Thank you for the experience you’ve given me’, because each bit of experience makes a person stronger. ‘I’ve become stronger, thank you.’ Thanks be to God!

If you have acknowledged your mistakes and your responsibility for what happened, if you have confessed to God and asked for forgiveness from the person you are separating with, go ahead. You should be sure God has forgiven you. Go on living and enjoy your life because God summons up to do so – to live in joy. Find those who may need you, who may share your joy. And keep on searching your true soul mate.

What lessons should we learn from such situations?

There used to be a whole world for you – your beloved one. If you look back, you may see that while you were together you acquired priceless experience. Ask yourself -what was special about that person? What have you learned about yourself while you were together? Maybe you put away your selfishness and did for him/her something that you wouldn’t have done for anybody else? What was your reaction to the separation? What did you overcome within yourself? The experience of overcoming a break-up is something that increases our self-esteem and helps us to become better.

It is acknowledged in psychology that every crisis is a crisis of growth. The Lord sends us those situations that are optimal for our self-understanding. To know yourself is a key to success on the way of self-improvement.

I’ve seen it myself. A young woman whom I know well was looking for a spouse. Her first husband left her. Surviving that break-up was not easy for her but she gained benefits from it. The loss affected her for a long time and she tried hard to understand herself. With time she succeeded. I highly respect her because she clarified for herself what she would like to see in her future mate and realized she must change herself in order to deserve such a man. She believed that if she changes, the right man will appear in her life. She understood she was not humble enough, her leadership qualities were too well developed (she worked on a chief position) and her straightforwardness depressed men. After the break-up she conscientiously worked on being feminine, on helping a man to be a leader. Today this lady has an unbiased attitude towards herself and is not offended by critical remarks, regarding them as a piece of help. She managed to change herself and corrected some bad habits. Thus, she overcame the bitterness within herself and learned to enjoy her life.

It took that lady quite some time. She is very sociable, beautiful in and out. Many young men tried to marry her but nothing came out of it. A half a year ago one of her acquaintances appeared on the horizon. He was also an interesting and highly intellectual person but their love affair was too dramatic and tense. She asked me why things were so hard between them. Considering him as a worthy choice she was worried about tension in their relationships. Then one day she met the right guy. Having worked hard on her own personality she understood he was the man she was looking for. He, in his turn, took her as granted by God. So you see, the old friend remembering her as an expressive and pushy woman could not accept the way she has changed; but the other guy fell in love with her new personality. He makes much of her. They understand each other so fully and their mutual attraction is so strong that there’s no doubt – two soul mates have met.

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Psychologist Irina Rakhimova

Psychologist Irina Rakhimova

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See also
The myth that real love can happen only once in a lifetime was invented by romantics (Рriest Andrew Lorgus)
How to go through a break up from a loved one (Dmitry Semenik)
Wait and your boat will come (Eumeny (Peristy), Abbot)
God’s love can compensate for the lack of any other love (Archpriest Igor Gagarin)
Understand and accept yourself (Psychologist Irene Karpenko)

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