Getting over a break up

Understand and accept yourself

In order to survive a loss, first of all one should understand that true love has no end. Yes, we lost something but this "something" was not love. It is important to realize what is going on with us now.

Yes, there is a feeling of emptiness as if you were cut in half. Now you live without the one who was important for you, without your soul mate. Cry for a while and pity yourself – there is nothing wrong in it. There is nothing wrong about grieving and crying in this situation because you’re as a child now. It’s your child’s ego that suffering. Why is it so? The reason is that you became attached to someone as a child becomes attached to a new toy and puts it in a bed with him. You’re also like a child that is scared and feels lonely when his mom left. Small children always worry and it’s quite normal; so have the courage to at least admit it to yourself. Don’t be ashamed to mourn this loneliness and loss just like a child would do. Admit these feelings to yourself.

This is the most important as I would say as a mother. As a psychologist, I can say that there are two dead-end ways of dealing with loss. The first way is when one partner decides that the other is a bad person. The second is when one starts thinking there is something wrong with him/herself – say, he/she is not good-looking, thin, fat, not rich enough and so on.

What you should do is to choose the third way, a way that can help you to derive a great benefit from this situation. I strongly believe that God does not send such ordeals to a weak person. God is calling you to mature as if you were a small child who lost his mother. By doing so God urges you to climb up new heights – "See, you can live on your own; you have to become an adult, it’s time to look around and start on living different, mature life."

How does one make it through such an experience, and how do people grow due to this? At first, a person tells everyone how awfully he/she has been treated. Then he tells it only to a few people. Later he tells just extracts of the whole story. Finally, he stops speaking about it at all and eventually stops thinking of it. After a year or so he realizes that he used to act the same way when he was feeling hurt. At first, he complained to everybody about the offense, then not to everybody, then he didn’t tell anybody at all and then the offense was forgotten. This is a child’s way of getting through a problem. When a person becomes a grown-up he is able to withstand even bigger grief deep inside, go through it, mourn it within himself, "pray it over" asking for help only from God. At such a moment God looks at him and says, "You are able to go through it on your own, you are strong enough, I know. You have just forgotten about it for some time, or you haven’t discovered it yet. It’s the right time to learn."

At this moment one should accept adult ways of living. One of them is learning to support others. Doing something good and useful for someone else is the most blissful and joyful thing in the world. One may say to himself at this point, "My Lord, why did I worry so much? My bad luck was not so awful, that man is in much worse situation now." That’s how people grow up.

Now, when a person matures he/she comes to realization that he is neither better nor worse than anyone else. He is just like others in his most important features. "I’m a grown-up, I am the way I am. I can’t do this but I can do that, I am proud of this but ashamed of that. I can make mistakes but I’ll try to fix them." That’s how a person learns to accept and respect him/herself. Accepting your own personality is the second side of being mature. When these two sides are connected together, a person can overcome the loss.

The process of surviving the loss is complete when you don’t just feel sorry for your partner but can also say something like, "We used to be together and we’ve lost each other. Well, it happened, it had to be. But I want you to forgive me because I was immature. I couldn’t act somehow differently that time. Please know that I’ve realized it and want you to forgive me." If you’re strong enough to say so it means you have outlived the loss.

( 1 voice: 5 of 5 )

Psychologist Irene Karpenko

Psychologist Irene Karpenko

feedback  Leave Your Feedback   Read Feedbacks

  Previous article

Print version Print version

See also
The myth that real love can happen only once in a lifetime was invented by romantics (Рriest Andrew Lorgus)
Like Lot leaving the burning city, don’t look back (Psychologist Irina Rakhimova)
Wait and your boat will come (Eumeny (Peristy), Abbot)
God’s love can compensate for the lack of any other love (Archpriest Igor Gagarin)
How to go through a break up from a loved one (Dmitry Semenik)

free love test online
How to pray?
The latest Requests for assistance:
I am 32 years old... I met my ex when I was 22, he was twice my age. I got pregnant the following year and by the time I was graduating I was 7 months pregnant and a step-mom to his 4 children from previous relationships
My name is Wayne I'm divorced 10 yrs and have a son who I raised from 2 till 9 yrs old.The whole time my only focus was on him.I never ventured into a relationship.One day out of the blue an ex girlfriend called.She was going through tough times with her husband.I was happy to hear from her,she was my first love and I was hers
My wife and I have been married for 8 years. I am in the Navy and I've had to deploy many times over the course of our marriage. I'm currently in month 10 and my wife has asked for a separation. She says that she has grown apart from me and that she now thinks she got married too early and to the wrong person.
Read next stories
 Beauty photo contest

© 2008. Any reproduction or using of the website's materials must contain a reference to the original source and URL .
Editor -     Site development:    Design -