How to go through a break up from a loved one
Almost all of us sooner or later face running into a break up in life. And some people will experience this more than once. This is a very important event, because it signifies the end. The most important thing is that this parting is a moment of choice and the beginning of a new start in life. If the choice was correct, it can be the start of new and better life, with a more true understanding of love. Just parting helps a huge amount of people to become mature, loving and happy people.
At the beginning of this conversation, I would like to talk about how to part with somebody correctly. I will give an example as follows: Alika – a girl who went through a break up which led to some valuable conclusions.
It’s not worth it to commit suicide because of somebody who doesn’t love us.
“I forgot how to live without him. I dissolved into love like sulfuric acid. When he met another woman, my world fell apart. I had been away on business in
Then I started to blame myself that it was me who did or said something wrong. Afterwards I smoked half a pack of cigarettes. I was panting for breath. I opened the blinds, the light hit my eyes. People were moving animated. The street felt unreal. The feeling of being isolated from the world around. Excruciating pain and it’s impossible to move on.
At that moment the phone rung – it was my former colleague. He simply had called to ask how I was (he hadn’t called for at least half a year). I couldn’t talk, I was crying… He said that he will run to the train station and would be here as soon as he could. I said, he shouldn’t, he has a newborn baby. Then I recollected that once I have been in the church with Mum. And I was looking at Kazan Virgin Mary icon. One woman, who worked there, had come to me and said: “Child, if something bad will happen in your life just come to Virgin Mary, She will help”.
I left the hotel. I was breathing hard. I didn’t orientate myself in
And then there was silence. I realized that I am the result
Of my parents love. My mother was bearing me and was dreaming how I will make my first steps, will smile to the sun, will admire the rainbow, will love and kiss her kids... Later, little naïve girl was dreaming about true love. True love until the end of time. For better and for worse… And now, I will kill that girl. Will kill her and nothing will be realized…
I’ve realized that I won’t do it. If this love wants to kill me, therefore it’s not real. Not that love I was dreaming of. And that man is not mine. My soul mate is waiting for me, searching for me. Love cannot kill. Love should create.
Nowadays, almost a year already, I am learning again how to live without him as I lived before. I am learning how to see the beauty of dawns, daybreaks and rains, how to enjoy peoples’ company. Iv learned how to solve my problems alone, with friends, like before. It’s hard but I won’t give up. Because I deserve something better. So far my world is boundless. It’s bigger than this tiny affection that wanted to kill me. I don’t have a boyfriend yet. I am still heart broken. I am still his half. But I learn how to live from beginning.
If my life story will help someone – thank God. Pull yourself together and never give up. It isn’t worth it to commit suicide because of a person that doesn’t love us. It is so worth it to live just see the next sunset. Hold on for a moment and it will be easy later. If we were happy before, we will be happy again”.
I had an experience of breaking up too. I took it hard this Topic. It doesn't matter how it happened. But it was a sad blow for me, like for many people in the same situation...
We were not that young, but it was like a fresh start for both of us. Everything was so inspired and tenderly. We both had different mistakes in our past, but we didn’t repeat them. We were serious about the marriage. We prepared our parents for it. Everything that was needed for a wedding and the ceremony in the church was bought and organized… But a week before the wedding everything failed and came to an end.
What did I feel? You were going to make a journey by train. The journey of all your life – very hard, but the most beautiful than anything in your life. And the train on its maximum speed crashed into a granite wall. And you were buried under the big blocks of that wall.
It was the feeling of monstrous effort. The swarm of obtrusive thoughts. “I will never meet anyone that nice like her”. “I will never love anyone anymore”. “I will never have kids”. “Nobody will love me” etc.
The human organism cannont hold these tensions. The immunity will fail, health problems come and few days after you are going to visit a doctor. The surgeon (elderly and experienced) consoles: “in a year you will stop crying. And in two years you will start to laugh again”…
He didn’t know about the spiritual facilities of overcoming the crisis, that I knew. I started to laugh already in a month. In two months more I started to feel better, than I felt before that story even. On that moment I have met a young woman, who tried to poison herself owing to a nervous condition because of break up. She destroyed her health, and the consequence is she is not able to go out because of weakness now. I’ve realized that the problem is very widespread. Many people are not able to overcome it. And some people think even about suicide.
This way came up the idea of the first web page – “Perejit.ru”. And after three months more, the web page was done. The practical experience of the web page (that was visited by a few thousand people every day) showed that this techniques of recovering help to everyone. And some people who didn’t feel relief few weeks or even months with advice from friends and psychologists from glossy magazines... Settle into the shape usually during few days of being on this web page. I don’t want to remind you that the commercial of miraculous medicine (I don’t want you to think that I advertise miracles and I would like to emphasize that all work here is done unselfishly.
The psychologists with strong qualifications and Orthodox priests, that take part in the work of the web-page, helped to broaden and deepen the technique which is described below. This technique can be used not only in the situation of divorce or parting, but with some small adjustments it can be used in the most crisis situations. It means anytime when you feel really bad.
1. Put a full stop
If the breaking up occurred, first and foremost, you need to accept the fact that what happened manifested. If the person is gone, it is necessary to let go. It is essential to put an end to those relationships that were once there.
Stories may vary. Unfortunately, Separation happens in marital relationships as well. So when I say that you need to put an end, I'm not saying: lock the door tightly, bury the person, try to erase them from your memory. No! Often it's possible for lawfully husbands and wives to admit to their spouse if they really repent. The matter is to accept the fact it means – to let them go. To accept their right to decide, even if it’s a wrong decision. Don't hold them back.
It is theoretically possible that over time, the two of you change and can meet new companion and create a new, more harmonious relationship.
But people which you are now could not be together. The way you have chosen now has come to a standstill. That person you are now, must respect and accept it.
If you have a little bit of love for this person, acknowledge his right to be free. Let go and bless them.
Tell yourself, referring to this person, "I release you! Go with God! "
Cessation attempts to return, ending hopes for his return is an absolutely necessary condition for the successful experiences of parting. Some cling to the man for months and years. And as long as they cling, they torture themselves and get stuck in this state.
Often lovers (especially those suffering from love addiction) leave and reconcile several times. And the more they do it, the lower the quality of their relationship will be. Thus humiliating themselves and their relationships. They reinforce the skills of how people shouldn’t live and reduce the chances of building a healthy relationship. There is a good rule: "If you decided to break up – do that!".
And believe me, being clingy does not increase the love and respect for you and vice versa.
2. To overcome obtrusive thoughts and Obsessions
In the majority of cases we are suffering not because of the fact of situation itself, but of the false meddlesome thoughts about it. I give the examples of the thoughts that overcome me. It’s a typical set. And a couple of typical ideas in the situation of Breaking up: “I will never love anyone so much anymore” (it’s common for girls 15-18 years old), “There is no point to live anymore. These thoughts hurt us almost physically, plunge us into despondency.
Approximately, 10% of the suffering – because of the situation itself, impossibility of seeing beloved one, be with them etc. And 90% it is false thoughts. So, once we overcome them thoughts, we will cease to suffer. And to overcome obsessive thoughts you can quite fast.
First of all, you should make aware of these thoughts as external power. The power that tries to plunge you into despair, and worry you to death with the help of trickery. These thoughts are begot not by you! They have come from outside to do harm to you. To accept or not to accept it is our choice. If we accept it and go over and over, we appropriate it. We were talking already about sources of obsessive thoughts and influence of it in the chapter “On any habit there is a loss of habit”.
What advice psychologists from magazines for women and other popular magazines in this kind of situations? To get distracted from it (deflect/divert the attention away from it?). To find something new to do, that will help to deflect the attention away from painful thoughts. It’s as “wise” as the advice to the soldier on front line to turn around from the enemy so that he won’t see his repulsive face and do something else. Something like, if you don’t see him, he is not here. And what if right at this moment, he will send a bullet through your back?
My advice is definite – turn your face to your enemy and fight. It’s the only one real opportunity to conquer it. Thought is something you can’t protect yourself from it with the help of exercise bicycle, swimming pool, cosmetologist, masseur or new lover. The thought can be conquered by thought as well!
It is useless to argue with hostile thoughts. Some people hope with discussions with obsessive thoughts to analyze, to reason or to make up their mind. But in crisis, especially in the first week or two, it is impossible to make any right decisions. First of all you should bring yourself to a normal state of health and morale. In a critical situation we have only one aim – to take a sober view of things by force of struggling with obsessive thoughts. The only way to defeat obsessive thoughts is in the power of prayer.
This requires, first of all, constantly control what kind of thoughts torment you. That is what I call – to look in the face of your enemy.
Secondly, try to oppose to this thought the most suitable prayer. That prayer, which meaning will be opposite to the thoughts that tortured you at the moment. Only three-four short prayers will be enough to sort out the most of obsessive thoughts in the situation of parting.
If you feel sorry about yourself, or you lost heart, grumble or fair.
Typical thoughts are: “I will never love anyone like this”, “I will never be happy with anyone else”, “There is no purport of life”, “Why me, poor thing, will live now” The most dangerous enemy – is to feel sorry about your good self. With this feeling we should deal shortly and cruelly.
We can use the following prayers against these thoughts: “Thank God for everything!”, “Everything is in your power, Let it be like you wish”
The meaning of these prayers is that we recognize that everything happens for a reason. We admit that no matter how hurtful it is now – it’s all for our own good. Thus we give to God a vote of confidence. God wishes us all the best and confidence in that this situation will improve our life and soul. And improvement of our souls means the growth of love in it. Possibly we will love someone else with all our hearts full of more perfect love.
If you think about the person with whom you are parting or about somebody who is leading him/her away from you.
Typical thoughts are: “He/She is the best, I will never find anyone like him/her anymore”, “I can’t live without him/her!”, “How can I get him/her back?”, “Scoundrel! How could he cheat on me!”, “I hate her, In the meaning of mean person almost bitch? that she lead him away! How can I take vengeance?
If we have these kind of thoughts, we can eliminate with a simple prayer: “God bless him/her!”. We should wish all the best to this person.
Here is the psychological explanation. The point is that the essence of obsessive thoughts – is malice and aggression. It can be the offence, or the wish to imprison that person by tie up him/her with us against his/her wish. Or wishing them something bad and desire of revenge for everything they have done. It’s all opposite of love. And when we can oppose to these thoughts the kind thought. The mean thought will be conquered.
There is one more level of understanding. If we can realize that the source of mean thoughts is evil spirits, than its simple to understand that anger is their purpose. As a result with these prayers we will get twice good: and you will get benefits from prayers, and that person you pray about. Of course, this kind of result doesn’t suit evil spirits, and they leave us. It's proved by many people!
If you are tortured from aggressive thoughts towards yourself.
False ideas: "Someone like you cannot love, you're a loser," "You are the one to blame, if you had not made that mistake!"
Prayer: "Thank God for everything." If you are really guilty of something, "Lord have mercy", "Lord forgive me!"
Prayer is universal "Thank God for everything!" It includes the acceptance of oneself, to thank God for the good that is in us.
Penitential prayer: "Lord have mercy," "Lord forgive me!" Uttered without strain, flat unemotional tone. If we start to role play instead of repent, we won't notice that we will focus on despondency and self-pity: "Oh, I'm unhappy, pity me." This will only do harm. When a person truly repents, he firmly believes that God forgives him and every minute is easier.
Emphasize: the tone of all prayers should be level, whatever storm is raging within us!
There are a few more rules to keep in mind when you pray.
First, we need to control our attitude towards Him whom you pray to. Remember that God didn’t owe us anything. You shouldn’t blame Him just because you feel bad now. But probably you're largely guilty towards Him. Therefore humbly pray. Only humble prayer succeeds. Prayer in the depths which are an insult to God, insolent, or demand will not work.
That is on one hand. On the other, do not consider yourself a complete stranger or a powerless supplicant. You apply not indifferent to the official, but to those who love you merciful Father. He wants to give you everything you ask for and more.
Second, believe in what you hear, what you can help and what will certainly help. God is all-mighty. He created the world out of nothing. God hears your every word (which you can hear yourself) and no word of yours goes to waste.
Thirdly, it is desirable to know as much as possible about Him whom you pray to. Some think that God is a "higher intelligence." But the definition of "higher intelligence" is quite suitable and Satanic. Therefore, if you are close to Christianity, try to read the Gospel to see what God is. Just do not imagine yourself God in prayer visually, it is very dangerous. (to look at the icon of Jesus Christ does not mean a submission of God, it is safe).
You can pray as long as you feel attacks of the obsessive thoughts. Some say a prayer a few times and then say: "I tried to pray but it has not helped." This is ridiculous. You sit in a trench. The enemy is shooting at you from all sides. You make three shots in the direction of the enemy. Of course, the shooting doesn’t stop. You are desperate to slide to the bottom of the trench, it allegedly did not help throwing the machine gun.
Where is the logic? The strength of the force must be equal to counteract! The first 5 or 7 days when I was in this situation, I prayed almost continuously repeating the words of the prayers a thousand times. Closely watching over what I exactly thought were attacks and using it against the appropriate prayers. I prayed as a drawning man catches as a straw. If I wouldn’t do it, I couldn’t move on.
So do not be lazy, do not back down (step back?), do not give up! Fight with might and main!
3. Forgive yourself and the other person
The common problems in breaking up are resentment towards the other person or blaming themselves. Both angles are preventing us from completely recovering. The other person may be guilty of something they did behind our back. However, you need to forgive for two reasons:
First, we do not know exactly why it did happen, we do not know the extent of their guilt. One or two errors may be obvious (drunkenness, cruelty, betrayal, exploitative treatment and the other is hidden exploitative treatment on a spiritual level, jealousy, disrespect, emancipation. However, obvious errors may be a consequence of the hidden ones. That's why they say the blame is always on both. Both have their own truth. And you know only your own truth but not the other person’s, you cannot judge them.
Second, your resentment ties you to this person as two shackles shackle convicts. Breaking the chain of insult means letting go not only that person but yourself as well. And each of you carries a piece of the chain, which symbolizes its share of responsibility.
How to forgive?
Tell him mentally: "I forgive you!" This does not mean that you approve of what they did or take on the full responsibility for the incident. No, they are responsible and fully answer for their mistakes. But they will bear this responsibility alone without your participation
If obsession resentments will continue to hunt you, use the above weapons of prayer, "Lord, bless them!"
When we blame ourselves, we need to sort out our feelings and separate the rational from the irrational. Rational are the specific facts of your sins: betrayal, brutality, deceit, jealousy and the wife's desire to rise above her husband etc. Irrational is just an inferiority complex, for which there are no facts and beliefs, "I am bad", "I'm not good on anything", "I'm not worthy of love" etc.
Being rational is to repent. Take your fair share of responsibility and avoid self-justification. Ask forgiveness in person (that is better) or mentally (if it’s impossible with some reasons). Ask forgiveness from God. Work on yourself to become a different person who won't be doing the same thing again.
Irrational is a false thought of obsession. It is treated with prayer and doing good deeds (things?).
4. To derive benefit from the situation and work on yourself
Known common truth : any difficult situation or crisis is not "bad luck" it is a trial. The trial is sent from above precisely calculated to our needs and abilities to give us the opportunity to grow, to take a step to personal excellence and have a better life. And the opportunity to grow is so important and valuable to us that it would be strange to call it a misfortune. After growing up we become happier.
But growth is not automatically followed by a trial. As mentioned earlier, a trial is an opportunity. If we will only feel sorry for ourselves, blame others, get depressed and complain it means we failed the test and have not grown. Growth is necessary. Therefore, the next lesson will be more stringent.
To pass the trial, it is first of all necessary to accept. While we are overcoming, we get the desire to be depressed, feel sorry for ourselves and complain. On that moment we should pray: "Thank you, Lord!". This is the creed of humility. Thanks to this creed, we shall not be so upset to the oncoming trials. Humility makes us stronger and more patient. Humility is our most valuable "interest" of any trial.
Now that the acute phase of the crisis has passed, it is time to soberly analyze the causes of what happened.
First, what were the components of your relationship? How much have you loved each other? How much your relationship were based on physiological passion, on your part and on the part of your significant other?
Second, what were the true purposes of the relationship - family, pleasure, financial accounts? Yours? Your partner’s? How these goals are worthy for you, whether you need these targets?
Third, if the purpose was decent (to have a real family), how would you know that you and your person are fit for each other and for this purpose? Was it possible to achieve this with them? And did you know them enough to allow a level of intimacy you allow? And what kind of person you can be to achieve this goal? And what kind of person is best suited for you? What qualities do you need in order to successfully achieve this goal? Are you mature enough? or prone to addiction?What are the harmful and useful skills you endured from your parents’ family and from your past relationship?
Fourth, if the goal was worthy and people are worthy of the goals, what mistakes were made in the process of achieving these goals? What would you ought to do to have a more successful result?
In this analysis, write down on a paper what you should change in yourself, the mistakes that you need to repent on, your shortcomings that needs to be corrected, the good qualities that you need to develop. These entries will be the second "interests" from the ordeal.
To get the third "interest" from the ordeal, let this piece of paper be useful - start to work on yourself. In this book, many topics are about how to work on yourself.
First of all, we are talking about internal deliberations. Overcoming dependency, passions, nurturing love and chastity. Such work on yourself will make you a different person.
If you find it necessary to work on your body, do physical exercises, it is in every way beneficial. Physical training associated with overcoming the "can not go on" notion not only makes your body younger and more attractive but also strengthens the will which is critical to the success of all the affairs of life.
It is important at this stage to set proper goals for the next segment of life. Namely: improving yourself as an individual, cultivating the love, getting rid of defects (bad habits) must be your goals. It shouldn’t be for a new date, or getting back your beloved one. It is for yourself.
The most important thing is desirable to refrain from any relationship similar to love and even chaste for at least a year, otherwise the relationship will be built on insecure foundations. The first time after breaking up the self-assessment is understated. After some time of working on yourself, it can become excessive. Both ways don’t let soberly assess the partner. In addition, the substitution effect is known, when we unconsciously try to replace the partner. Relationships that begin to take shape ahead of time will be fragile.
So don't get hung up on the topic of romantic relationships! Do not worry that you have no place to meet a nice person! Everything will happen in due time. When you're ready to create a family, a decent person will appear. Once you become a princess, your prince will immediately come galloping along on a white horse. Even if you sit all day at home due to illness, he will by mistake knock your door or will call the wrong number. But if you are not ready, even with a large social circle no one will be good enough for you to choose. It’s faith somehow.
If the age doesn’t give so many hopes for a new love or family.. All the more, the person should concentrate on their soul.
If there is someone you care about, this is a worthy goal as well. But still the improving yourself is more important thing. Since only a loving person can truly care about others.
5. Do not acknowledge the right to be unhappy
Many of us, unconsciously state to ourselves that "I am a poor, miserable, nobody loves me." It feels more comfortable than stating: "I was born to be happy and it all depends on me to be happy or not." This is due to infantilism (childishness), some unresolved stages of maturity. As adults, we do not want to take responsibility for ourselves. And so while we are afraid of trouble, when they come, we literally hold it and don't want it to let go.
The more infantile a person is, the more he gets stuck for a long time in a state of distress. At school they liked to be ill, lying in bed, feeling sorry for themselves and take sympathy of others and then they go to bed with self-pity. Finally found such a respectful cause for self-pity. After breaking up, a person may remain in this state for years if desired. But what's the point?
In fact, there is no reason for such a relaxed attitude. Adults who are mentally healthy do not relieve their responsibility to themselves and others. After all, we need other people. We need not only healthy and capable person but also strong, joyful, happy and able to maintain and please others.
Therefore, adults who are mentally healthy do not get stuck even in such a severe trauma as experiencing the death of a loved one. No one but our enemy needs our tears, physical, mental illness and suicide. Our families and friends, alive and dead, need us strong and joyful here.
Our task is therefore – to enjoy life. And afterwards when things get better, we will create a family with someone from the heirs of the British Royal Family. But to enjoy life we should start right now. There is no good reason not to do so. We are alive and healthy, can love and God loves us. He gave us many abilities which would be the right time to take advantage of.
6. Do good deeds
It is particularly important to work on your good deeds. If the crisis has helped you identify the propensity to love addiction, low self-esteem, selfishness or insularity on oneself, good deeds is the best medicine for you. Only it should be a real good deed and not deal with the expectation of gratitude of people.
Translated by Angelika Drigo, Lorraine Hynson and Samantha Chivers
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God’s love can compensate for the lack of any other love (Archpriest Igor Gagarin)
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