It was spring
I’m 24 years old. For my age, I have a stable career, good financial status and a judicious life attitude. However, before I didn’t happen to meet the right guy.
It was spring when he appeared on the horizon. There is no need to mention that our relations were developing just like in the best-selling novel. He was gentle, intelligent and thoughtful 31 years old guy. I didn’t have any doubts that he was my soul mate. He was the one! I should admit though that being a reasonable and prudent person I didn’t fall in love at the first sight. I deliberately let the feelings come, at first stage I felt just some wonderful easiness and comfort. My former experience taught me that to be ‘head over heals’ in love is not always good and usually it doesn’t end happily. But with time I gave in.
Now as I glance back on our relationship I see that I fell in love on my own accord – he didn’t even have to try very hard because at that moment I had been lonely for a long time and, as I thought, was ready for serious relationships. In fact, I was anticipating them.
At times we can feel so happy in hearts. For us it started out like a beautiful, touching, promising romance. But after two months of unclouded relations, confessions, walks in the moonlight something went wrong. Firstly, it was uncertainty from my side; I tried to hide dissatisfaction and momentary irritation. Now I realize that the reasons for a tiff were mounting one after another but strangely enough, we didn’t notice them or at least pretended not to notice.
In spite of the fact that after a month of dating he had made a declaration of love and offered to marry him, a couple of times we had to discuss our relations and how hard they were on him. Trying to clarify the reasons for that I had to admit it was not easy! All our conversations turned out to his explanation such as, ‘It seems to me I want to have a family but it is difficult to change myself and become serious at once, I cannot give up my usual lifestyle.’ At that moment, it was very strange for me to hear such words. I believe that if you are in love with someone, all the issues of a lifestyle and personal egoism should be of minor importance. Nevertheless, I didn’t want to rush things or bother him, I just tried to be happy enjoying his company.
Two months later our relationship became even more complicated and we both understood that. He abruptly started limiting our communication; we met rarely and talked mostly on the phone. He spent more time with his friends and sometimes I clearly felt that I had become a burden for him, like a heavy bag. We tried to discuss it. He brushed it away saying that he still was in love with me but everything was so complicated for him though I understood that without saying.
I realized he had become a hostage of his own feelings…
Needless to say, it was hard to see that our relations were falling apart. I felt like I was choking with my own inability to change the situation. But everything has its logical finale. It has found us after a month of silence, misunderstandings and mutual oppression. Two or three days before the break-up we had a conversation and he declared that all our problems were because of him and he didn’t understand what was going on. He also said he wouldn’t even dream to meet a better girl and would love me forever, that I was a treasure for any man.
In three more days he had vanished. From that day on, he plunged me into absolute silence and ignorance. Without any explanation, tears and fights we simply stopped phoning each other.
At that time I thought my life was over, it had collapsed at once and there was a scary feeling of emptiness and unawareness. Of course, I had my job I liked, my family and friends but nothing felt right because of bitterness I was going through.
After 4 days of torture I decided to clear up the situation and sent him SMS with one direct question, ‘Is it really over?’ I haven’t got any reply! That was even worse. And again, it was silence and ignorance and my mind refused to believe it was happening to me. In such moments logic doesn’t work and emotions are overwhelming. Having been neurotic for two weeks, I finally dared to call him. What a foolish girl! He answered the phone and we talked nicely for a minute. When I was about to turn to the main subject he smoothly broke off the conversation and promised to call me back. In fact, he never did. I wouldn’t call that period of time ‘life’, it was a mere existence. I was analyzing the situation over and over again trying to answer my own questions. Did he love me? Was he honest with me? What was the real reason for our break-up? But what made me think that he himself knew the answers? Apparently, he simply decided to avoid some complications he feared. If he had the answers, as a grown up person he would have tried to explain the situation to me.
Finally, I have decided to make the last attempt to talk to him because I did need to calm down one way or another. I was very surprised when he did not answer the phone! And so everything became clear for me at once and all the pieces got together... It was the end, the end of everything. I comprehended at last that it was over a long time ago, I just was running around in circles under my own inertia. It took me two and a half months of self-torment and nervous breakdown to understand that HE made up his mind a long time ago. I was knocking at the closed door the whole time! When it became obvious, I decided to keep on living no matter what. It would be the lie to say that I stopped loving him, I do love him very much! However, there is no other way for me to keep going but to forbid myself thinking of him. Thank God, logic has finally won! Please Lord, help me to live without him!
Now, having passed through the most difficult part I noticed that the farther I am from the moment of our last meeting the more seldom I remember our gentle and moving moments; the feelings of desertion and pain have also faded with time. I become more and more convinced that personal experience is the most valuable thing no matter how difficult and painful it was to gain it.
Why do we all consider our own story of breaking-up as the most extraordinary and tragic? Perhaps it is our wounded feelings that crying out loud. It was how I felt as well. From my own experience I know now: one can outlive EVERYTHING. Life is wonderful and unpredictable but if such worries and troubles are sent to us, there must be something behind that. I do believe everything that happens to us is for the best!
I recall only our good moments no matter what. It means that I got not only sad experience (which will be helpful in the future) from our relationship but some useful and positive moments as well. Besides, I realized that even after the relations were over it is possible and even advisable to go on with loving the one who left you.
It was not any psychological help or some special literature that helped me to get over the break-up. Love, self-improvement and attending the church put me on the mend. I happened to watch two weddings when entered the church one day. Both couples were as beautiful as was the ceremony itself. I have watched it to the very end and prayed by the icons afterwards. Tears were coming down my face so that I couldn’t stop them. At that moment I’ve understood that some situations are beyond our control and humility is our only consolation. Please Lord, give me the reason and peace of mind, grant me patience to accept things I cannot change, courage to change things I can and wisdom to see the difference!
P.S. Because of this story I rediscovered myself, opened up some new sides and talents within me which is valuable by itself. Recently I switched my job and the changes were cardinal. Looks like I’ve finally got over the break-up, the whole case has faded and lost its urgency and only memories have remained. They are sad indeed but they are dear to me. Today nothing related to my former beloved can throw me off the track. I discovered one very important thing - true love does not die! Love is a feeling which you can and must keep, care and cherish even after parting. The only question is how to apply it in your life after you were left alone, that is to change its form.
Having gone through suffering, tears and pain I gained something positive – now I clearly know the difference between good and bad in relationships…
And of course I should mention my visit to the church. I’m so happy that I’ve found God’s grace and that incomparable peace of mind that I feel in the church.
Good luck and love to everyone!
Marisha, 24 years old
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