I found my destiny only in 10 years
Perhaps now, when I’m happy and no longer alone it is much easier to reason about how to survive when your beloved has left you…
I always wanted to have a family, a real friendly and loving family where people share common interests and plans, a family that has its own unique and exclusive character. Probably someone would call it utopia that exists only in movies and novels. But I know for sure that this is possible and moreover, it should be this way! My opinion is based not only on my own experience (our family is still too young) – I refer to the experience of some other families I know. Sadly enough, there are not too many such families around. Somehow, there are much more families where people seem to live together as if by force but this is a different story…
I am 32. I am now in my second marriage. I first got married at the age of 19 when I was a student and that marriage collapsed in a year and a half. I was 22 then and it seemed to me that I still had my entire life ahead of me, that I would have numerous chances to meet the right person. There were many dates indeed but I found my destiny only in 10 years.
Probably my biggest problem was that I became too attached to each guy I was dating. It happened every time. There is an expression "to stick like glue" and this was my case. I wanted a family and kept trying to create it though apparently with the wrong partners. I realize now there is no way to change a person who has a well-established personality. Each person has his own way of behaving towards you. I didn’t listen to any advices that were given to me – act in such and such way, keep your distance, etc. because firstly, I was who I was and couldn’t change my nature and secondly, I still believe these games are dishonorable for anyone – there is insincerity, even falseness in them.
My other problem was that I thought there was no such thing as a bad man and if something went wrong in our relationship, I considered it as my fault only, not theirs! So I just tried to be better! I tried to please, to foresee my man’s desires, to make surprises and I did it from the bottom of my heart. But the Russian proverb "Love cannot be compelled" is very wise. If a person does not love you there is no way you can change it no matter what you do. And I know this from my own experience, too, as there were men who truly loved me but I could not force myself to love them, I couldn’t do anything about it, even though I rationally understood their feelings were true and exactly what I was looking for.
"We love those who do not love us. We destroy those who love us".
As a result, I went through many break-ups. Some of them were long lasting and painful; others were quick but just as painful. On going through a break-up, I often tended to think my life was over, that there was no hope for me. After each break-up the despair grew more and hope faded away. Nevertheless, I kept on believing, otherwise life within me would have stopped.
I survived many partings often accompanied by an abusive and cruel attitude towards me. Of course, there were plenty of tears and sleepless nights but the most terrible thing was the pain in the heart, when my heart and soul felt like they were wring out, physically and mentally. Only people who have gone through the same experience can understand what I mean. No medicines, herbal teas and valerian drops could help. It is so awful when you feel completely unneeded, lost and empty and the future scares you even more because you see no way out and only eternal suffering ahead.
I was waiting; I was firmly waiting for my husband so patiently, day after day. I was waiting for ten years or maybe more. Sometimes I reminded myself of a stray dog running around the streets, looking into the eyes of strangers with an unspoken cry "please, take me home!" At the same time, I had very high standards for the person whom I would like to be with. Rather, those requirements were not for the person but for the relationship we would build together.
Once my mother who was not a religious person at all heard on TV that there was the icon of the Mother of God "The Unexpected Joy", and that it could bring help to those in hopeless situations. So when I visited churches, I always looked for this icon so that I could set a candle in front of it. I found this icon for the first time in Seraphimo-Diveevskiy nunnery. In three months I met my husband-to-be. I do not know if this was a sign or just a coincidence. But I had genuine hope and faith that this icon would help me.
I could never imagine before that I would be so happy. Every day my husband and I say to each other, "How happy I am that you exist!"
I would like to add a few more things, which I think, are very important.
First of all, if you are in a relationship with someone who clearly abuses you, treats you without love and respect, do not expect that the situation will improve, that a miracle will happen and this person will change entirely! Such things do not happen. At least I do not believe in it. All my problems stemmed from my expectations for change. You need to break up immediately, before it has become fatal or tragic, or the bond has grown too strong. Do not find comfort in the illusion that ‘I might be wrong’ or ‘maybe everything is not that bad’ or ‘probably I do not understand something!’ True love, respect and care are always obvious. It is said that it’s possible to simulate the feelings but it’s not possible to hide them. And the feelings we cannot hide are true feelings, whether love or hatred.
Second, when leaving someone, leave and never return. Never come back to the person whom you broke up with (of course if it was not a mere quarrel).
The third and most important point, I strongly believe that each break-up is a sign, an omen. If you broke up with a person, it means that this person was not yours. Let him go and allow him and yourself to be happy! The union of two people who are not meant for each other is a tragedy. It is a tragedy for families and children who are born in such families.
The key rule is not to listen to any advices and opinions including mine! It is easy to give recommendations to other people but not to yourself… By telling you my story I don’t intend to give any advice, I’m just sharing my bitter personal experience and discoveries. We learn from our own mistakes only or fail to accept the lesson. You will go through pain, suffering, joy and happiness but they should be your own and only your own feelings. Along with all these feelings, you should always have faith and hope. Always, no matter what! Believe that you can find your soul mate, the true one! I believed it and I found him! Good luck and love to everyone!
Editor’s comment: two months after writing this story, Natalya gave birth to a baby girl.
Natalya P., 32 years old
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