They went through parting

Love with fists

It was a common domestic quarrel, just usual dispute how to do something better. I expressed my opinion which was different from his but in the end I agreed with his point of view in order to stop quarrelling. We were not yelling but simply arguing. I agreed with his position and said to him, my hand on his shoulder, "You think that you are the only person who is right!"

We were sitting on a bench in the park, many people around. He slightly hit my hand and said, "Take your hands off me, cow!" I stood up and left. I had asked him hundreds of times not to call me names… I went home, he came later but he did not think he was wrong, he did not want to calmly come to a mutual decision, it was much easier for him to make me feel guilty. He shouted and laughed at me while I kept crying. I approached to him for the last time and wanted to say something. And again, he called me names. So I left home. I did not realize what I was doing; I knew that he could leave me because of it and that I would be guilty once again for the hundredth time. I understood that but couldn’t stand it any longer, I was hurt. It was easier for me to leave than to listen to his slighting remarks, let alone to try to prove my point. I went to a bar with my friends… Later that night when I came back (not completely sober), he was at home to my surprise.

Suddenly his fist came to my face…what was that, a broken lip? I deserved it but didn’t expect such a thing. Anything else seemed possible but not this!

The same thing repeated in the morning. I woke up and he made fun of my face. I said, "Maybe you’ll hit me again" and so he did, - under the eye this time… I didn’t even cry, didn’t ask him to leave me alone. I just kept silent and locked myself up in the room. He left.

We are responsible for all our actions. I was ready to take on the responsibility when I left home but I did it then because I was not able to listen to his offensive talk.

Why did he raise his hand, was there a reason for that? Have I deserved it? I feel like a little dog… Please help me. I am trying to justify him, trying to explain something to myself and I feel guilty…

Katya, 22 years old


Katya, it seems to me that when you were a child, there was something between you and your parents that affected your self-respect and dignity. Psychologists say that such people cannot set interpersonal borders. By borders they mean such barriers that are almost impossible for other people to cross.

I do not see any serious reason for you to stay with this man. Generally speaking, complicated relationship can be useful for self-analysis and self-improvement. However, such relations have to be based on healthy principles. If he betrays you, you shouldn’t keep such a relationship. Perhaps God has allowed him to act upon you this way in order that you overcome your weaknesses and get out of this mud.

Brother, 39 years old


How can I find the power to change the way of my thinking? I cannot tune in to a different wave and find the source. I do not want to live this way. I have both the desire to show him that he is wrong, and at the same time I want to never see him again. He does not think he is guilty which is the scariest thing, in my opinion.

Katya, 22 years old


I’m glad that you understand your problem and want to catch "another wave". I call this a sober view of things.

Those who seek will find what they want for sure; therefore I believe you can change your life. Especially that you are being helped - this man will hit you (with words and hands) harder and harder until you understand with each cell of your body that you can’t stand it any longer.

Don’t think too much about the fact that he doesn’t realize his fault. You think about it too much! Any human being can be weak and get under the impact of dark forces.

I’ll tell you how I separated with my girlfriend. In some way, my situation was similar to yours. I believe, God decided to separate us because we were not a happy couple. So, He left me and that was very obvious thing; I was left alone with all bad traits of my character. It was not so important what I did, more important was that I couldn’t control my emotions and evil spirit for two days – up until the moment when she said there would be no wedding. I just was unable to control myself!

Therefore, to be horrified by his madness is a vain thing. You also might behave just as hideously if God leaves you.

That man is already a stranger to you. You’d better think about yourself and how to find that right wave. The process of such tuning goes gradually and takes the entire life sometimes. Your first step depends on how far you are from the truth now. If you are still very far from the truth, you could start with psychology.

Your soul will respond those things that your mind can comprehend at the moment. Later you will be able to go further.

And of course, it would be very helpful to talk to some good people, single ones and couples, married or at least loving each other. Generally, our circle of contacts changes as we develop. We can make judgments about ourselves based on the people around us. Also, we can take some particular steps in order to meet such people. To do so you have to have a strong intention and be ready to work and make a sacrifice because even if people want to help you, it’ll be useless until some joint activities and interests consolidate you.

Brother, 39 years old


I will start with a minor thing like cleaning my apartment. I want to paint it, change something there. After that, I can take care of my inward life which is much more difficult. The most important for me now is to catch the right wave. I do understand that even if I read millions of books and articles, I still might have no result. I’m scared, I want to get out of it. I realize I’m also guilty and it is stupid to blame him for everything. I should have left him earlier – the longer I wait the worse it gets. Sometimes I do not understand my fear and what I’m holding on to.

Lord, thank you for the patience you are giving me; thank you that I have started to think before doing!

* * *

It was not the end. He will not be satisfied until he destroys me!

He came yesterday and I did not know whether to allow him to come in or not. He started to get hard on me and said that I couldn’t leave him behind the door, that he was a human being! I let him in…. It’s difficult to describe what happened later – it was a nightmare! There were again lots of tears and hysterics!

At the beginning, he started to bother me with hugs, grinning. I didn’t want to be hugged but the more I resisted the more violent he held me. The worst thing was that he laughed at me, directly into my face saying that I shouldn’t simulate the insulted virtue because I was the only one to blame...

Brother, he was telling me how bad I was, that everything I did was wrong, that my friends and my lifestyle were wrong and that he had decided to leave me… He said he was glad to be indifferent to me, that I was wearing a mask and didn’t want to have a family, that I was a streetwalker, etc. I started to cry and couldn’t stop. I’ve just returned to a normal life and here it is again! After I calmed down, I responded him that it was him who didn’t want to change his life and therefore it was easier for him to make me feel guilty and pretend to leave. At the end, I just was keeping silent and then asked to leave me tomorrow. He refused and even put me to shame for turning him out!

I went to bed at 6 a.m. Today is a workday and when I woke up he was still sleeping. I did not know what to do – he wouldn’t leave on his own, so did I have to wake him up…? When he was up I asked him to please leave me alone. But he said that he would leave after a good sleep. I asked him to leave before my returning home. His response was "Get out, you idiot! You have to go, then go. I’ll leave when I want to."

I’ve left him one of the two keys for the door and went to work.

I’m crying. What should I do? This isn’t just a break-up, it’s an obsession. In the case of a simple break-up, people who are told they are not loved anymore just leave...

Katya, 22 years old


Hello Katya! I have similar relations with my brother (of course, brother is a different story but still), we cannot get along with each other. Sometimes I’m scared of him and think he could kill me… But at the same time we can’t live without each other so I’m thinking of how to get along with him, and I also set hopes upon God’s help and support. God will help you for sure, you just need to ask Him; you keep on addressing the Brother for help... now, try the Lord.



How should you talk to him? Don’t talk at all. Don’t pay attention to what he says. You have to step away from this situation and in awhile you will understand the how and why of things. In order to do so you need to break up with him.

Brother, 39 years old


Yesterday I was scared to enter to my own apartment! I came in and checked all the corners… I was sort of panicking – what if he had hidden himself somewhere!

He keeps calling me, I don’t answer. I do not understand what he wants of me. Does he really think there is something else left to say?! Today I’m going to change my mobile phone number. It’s so painful to break up in such a manner…

Katya, 22 years old


Why are you hiding? Why do you need to change your phone number? It’ll be enough to add him to the blocked number list. You can do the same with a local land line. Use Called ID; tell him that all his calls will be considered as telephone hooliganism and that you will contact the police if needed. In case of accidental meetings, pretend that you do not see him. If he touches you, make a report to the police.

First you need to go to the district police officer and CALMLY and FRIENDLY talk to him. Sometimes the police work strangely, and if you behave hysterically it will be difficult to get help from them. The idea of this meeting is to let your district police officer know the possibility of incidents and your capability to file your requests properly. You need to make clear to him that he shouldn’t ignore your reports and that he could increase his prestige in the department with your assistance. If you ask him to help and he does it quickly, he will be praised. If you ask him to help and he doesn’t, he will be pushed to help you anyway due to your determination and competence; therefore, make it clear that to help you right away is in his own interests. You are not alone in this society! There are mechanisms of social security though sometimes they don’t work properly, and you have all rights to use them.

Bashusha, 31 years old


Lord, what’s happening! When we began living together, we started to renovate our apartment and now he wants to finish it. What for? I tell him that I don’t need it – it’s only four walls! Since he has made himself clear about his feelings towards me, I begged him to go away. He responded that he would finish the renovation anyway and if I didn’t like the idea I could stay away from home and that’s it!

Now he burst into my office at work. He pushed me, screamed at me and wanted to take the keys back. I told him not to come to my place – "This is my home, leave me alone," but I wasn’t even able to get these words out of my mouth when he pushed me hard, went to the cupboard where I kept the second key, took it and called me scum as he left.

People, can you please explain me, what’s going on? Why, Lord? I can’t get over this, it’s not normal.

I do not want to go to the police; I’m ashamed to put it up for show…

* * *

My mobile phone keeps ringing like crazy; I don’t answer – he’s calling.

After his text "please, answer the phone," I picked it up.

I’ve heard lots of questions, such as "Do you really want to break up in this ugly way? Did I deserve that you have not been answering the phone? What have I done wrong?"

I was frustrated by his questions. I didn’t want to explain anything, it was hard for me to even talk to him, the only thing I said was, "Think about it and remember that I’m not scum!"

He has crushed me. I have troubles to apprehend what it was, I can’t find an explanation for what has happened.

Katya, 22 years old


Katya, in such condition (which, in fact, both of you are experiencing) it is not possible to come to a reasonable agreement. The only solution is to get rid of him. You need to cut him off once and for all - no talking, no correspondence, no text.

Brother, 39 years old


He came apologizing, almost crying… You know, I have a sense that something is wrong with his state of mind. Even his eyes change when he is angry, they became red; after he understood what he did, he becomes kind again and his voice sounds calm...He hangs his head in shame and I just can’t ask him to leave. I feel sorry for him but at the same time, I’m scared that he will never leave me alone. These changes happen during two-three hours,- a fit of rage when he does not understand what he is doing and then later – calmness and kindness…

I do not know how to cut things off – either to scream or to speak calmly or maybe just disappear without any explanation… I don’t not know how to act at all!!!

* * *

He won’t leave!!!!

I changed my mobile number, I do not answer the phone at home but he keeps calling my office… and even comes to the office!!! He looks down, pitiful; he asks me to forgive him…

When I start to explain, "I’m sorry, we cannot be together but I could be your friend" he goes crazy, blames me, etc. It’s absolutely impossible to talk to him… Afterwards he starts laughing, making a joke out of everything, he says there is no way that I can get away from him, that he’ll call my mother and she will spank me… I’m sorry for him but fear him at the same time.

I see he still fails to understand the main point. The only thing he understands is that I’m serious in my decision to leave and it scares him.

On one hand, I can’t go on with such awful relationship; on the other, I can’t leave him while he is so devastated (though I don’t know if it is honest or not.)

God, help me! Give me patience and strength, help me in finding the right solution.

Katya, 22 years old


Katya, the fact that it is difficult for you to break up is a GOOD sign (though it sounds tough). It should be like this because there are no "simple dating" and "temporary" relationships. You adhered to this person and now you are not losing a stranger but a part of yourself. Sometimes surgeons cut off parts in order to save the whole. Do you think that a person feels good when his leg is cut off because of gangrene? Does he feel comfortable? But it is necessary to cut it off otherwise he will die. You are in a similar situation.

Bashusha, 31 years old


I’m not an expert in giving advices and don’t want to make an impression of a tough and tactless person. But you definitely need to do the following:

– Change the lock to your apartment. You need to have a place where he has no access. You have to have a place for at least relative quiet.

– Change your outer life somehow. For example, you have already started to paint the walls, it’s good. Move the furniture. Human beings are unique creatures, they can live on their memories. Therefore, to live in a place where everything reminds you about the past is not what you need now. The apartment with the walls of a different color and furniture arranged differently is a different apartment, it’s like the possibility to move away from your memories.

You should have no doubts about the break-up. Thing that happened twice is already a pattern. In the future, beating and abasement will be his standard of behavior towards you. You must stop it immediately. He raised his hand against you and it confirms the absence of self-control and a dull mind (even if he were a professor of the Russian Academy of Sciences). It means that the person is not able to assess the situation reasonably and make the right decision about how to behave in such situations. In addition, it confirms his human weakness. He doesn’t want to lose you because he found a person whom he can control and hang over.

On the other hand, the fact that he raised his hand against you is partly your fault. The way you positioned yourself in the relationship made it possible.

Of course, trying to find a reason of failure in yourself first is right, but you shouldn’t forget about self-respect.

Get well soon and be strong (you will need it).



The moment of indifference has come… He does not want to leave, he reminds me about his existence all the time, and he is surprised and annoyed by my composure. I said that I didn’t see any sense in discussing and explaining simple things – why he should not say the things he does, why he shouldn’t hit women and stuff like that… It’s beyond my power, so I just keep quiet. I keep silent when he says that I’m responsible for his behavior; he doesn’t want to be responsible for his own words and actions, he finds an excuse for everything he had done. It will be easier for him to leave with the idea that I’m at fault in the situation.

I’m going to give him this opportunity if this is better for him...

* * *

That’s all!

Half a year of talking and suffering, half a year of parting and hoping and now it’s over… You know, before I wanted to say that I felt bad, I wanted others to feel sorry for me; now I feel such a relief, a fit of energy. I go home with joy, I work on the renovation, I feel amazingly charged up. I feel strong and have no regrets. I accepted everything in the right way. It’s hard to believe but I care no more if he’s understood or not; you see, I do not understand how my condition has changed so drastically…

Our last conversation was very good. He agreed with everything I said; I explained that he also didn’t need such a relationship and that we both were to blame for the way we lived. He dropped his head silently and said nothing. He keeps calling me, but each time I ask if he is OK and if I see that yes, I try to stop the conversation calmly, without any discussion. I cannot understand how I’m doing it, because earlier I was not able to control myself after his calls. Does the acknowledgement of no future with him give me such strength, really?

Thank you, Lord! Bless him, God!!!!

Thanks to everyone, I love you!!

* * *

Yesterday a call at night woke me up. It was him… his voice was very quiet as if he were dying. I woke up immediately and asked what had happened, but he responded that he was not able to explain it. He said that he was going crazy because only now has he understood what he did. He asked me to forgive him and not to be angry with him. I said that I was not angry and also asked for his forgiveness. He offered to make something good for me and asked what he could do. Without thinking a minute, I told him to go to church, to light a candle and pray for me, forgive me and let me go. I asked him not to call me, ever.

Today I feel uncomfortable; I feel sad and think that I had offended him. But I do not want to be with him anymore, I just cannot be with him!! God, bless him!

* * *

It was an accidental meeting in a shoe shop. Probably everyone imagines meeting with the person he or she has just broken up with, the words he should say and the way to behave…

I looked up and saw him near the door of the shop; he noticed me and was waiting when I would pay attention to him, but I only said "hello". I did not even come up to him and left in the other direction without turning back.

I was surprised by the way I behaved; I did not expect that from myself… I just want to tell everyone that before I also could not control myself. I was waiting for his calls, his words and explanations, wanted to see him. But time is doing amazing things to us! You just need to want it, to understand, to clearly analyze what is happening. Anyone can do it. Anyone and everyone – I also managed, though I didn’t believe I could. Before I used to cry day and night and almost enjoyed it…

* * *

After I read the Brother’s story about bald Zhenechka from the orphanage, I started crying… I do want to help, I have plenty of time and have nothing to do, and my heart aches for those kids. I didn’t feel comfortable as to call the orphanage and offer my help; I wouldn’t be able to express what I wanted… Brother gave me a couple of links and I found a charity forum. After reading it I was able to offer my assistance in more concrete ways. So, my dears, because I can embroider and sew, I’m going to teach the girls from the orphanage. Of course, there are some other issues to solve – where to get sewing machines from, the time of the classes (I’m off at 7 pm usually), etc. But I’m sure, it’s all solvable. Please wish me luck and the power not to stop at this point. To say the truth, I’m a little scared, though I have a strong desire to help.

Katya, 22 years old


Generally, I should say the second important problem of these children (the first is the absence of parents’ love) is that they have nothing to do, and they are not used to work. To help them to learn to do something is great.

From my perspective, gaining some useful skills is not the most important thing – more important is that they gain a taste for labor.

Brother, 39 years old


Finally, all the logistical issues have been solved, and I visited the orphanage for the first time.

I have 11 girls in the group, teenagers from 11 to 17, and they all are so different. They were happy to get started to do something… The orphanage is very good; I imagined it differently, but it is very nice and comfortable there. By the way, this orphanage is for the underdeveloped children; they warned me about it and thought that I would refuse. But these kids are just like all other children. I’ll do my best; though I have no experience teaching children, I think it’s ok. I said that I wouldn’t leave even if only two girls in the group would like to attend my class. Moreover, I’m sure, when other girls see what we do, they will also like to join.

We started the embroidering activity. I asked the girls to show their favorite clothes, and we made them even more beautiful by adding different stones and decorations…

* * *

I visited my children this Saturday. I had some problems with some of them; a few girls refused to meet me and went outside. Only four girls stayed with me (very nice ones) and I was impressed with how smart they were for their age. Though the orphanage is for the underdeveloped children (with poor speech or memory), these children are so sensitive to life experience; sometimes they discuss situations that some 20 year olds have trouble to comprehend.

There are icons everywhere in the orphanage and the children believe in miracle. They call me MAMA. When I first heard it, I had tears in my eyes; now I’m getting used to it. Our lessons hardly can be called classes. We sit on the floor of the playroom in a relaxed atmosphere talking, drinking tea and decorating their clothes. I usually spend about two hours with them.

Last time when I was there, a MIRACLE happened for one of the girls – her mother has found her. Everyone worries about this girl. Her mother simply visited her so far, and they were introduced to each other. But nobody knows if she will take the girl home from the orphanage. Today this girl lives in hope; her mother gave her mobile phone number to her. When her mother left, Zhenya came up to me and quietly asked to use my mobile phone. Of course, I gave it to her and she began to call her mother at once. Even now, remembering how she called and asked "MOMMY, WHEN WILL YOU COME?" I have tears in my eyes. I could hardly contain myself then. The other girls are very kind to her– they hug her and offer candies. I left the orphanage in a slightly depressed mood. It was snowing when I stepped outside. I slowly walked down the street and cried. I can’t tell what those tears were about– I just walked and cried…

Katya, 22 years old

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Katya, 22 years old

Katya, 22 years old

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The gift of unrequited love (Brother, 39 years old)

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