They went through parting

Unfaithfulness is a disease

It was the second marriage for my wife, and she had a son, Anton, who was 3 years old at that moment. We started to live together since the New Year’s holiday; we didn’t even think of Christian family as we had no idea of such at that time. I was 26 and she was 23 years old. Tanya was my first woman and remained the only one for me for twelve years. On December 28th, our daughter Marina was born, in fact prematurely, at 7 months. The New Year holiday was about to begin and the midwives who were on duty left for a New Year's party. They returned two hours later and were surprised to see that our daughter was alive, "Hey, look, she is still alive. Ok, let’s go bring her around." Two hours without oxygen (because her lungs had not opened properly) did its worst and there was a partial brain damage. As a result, when she was 10 months old our daughter was diagnosed with Cerebral Spastic Infantile Paralysis.

The fight with this incurable disease began. We tried all the methods available at that time, mostly in Moscow and Tula. For two or three months at a time my wife and daughter were gone, and I tried to visit them when there was a chance. We weren’t rich, but we had a good relationship; Perestroika started, and I was the only working family member. They didn’t always pay me my salary and I had to run around looking for a job. It was a difficult time, but we were happy! On May 21st, 1999, our second daughter Arisha was born.

I found a new job at insurance company. I’m an engineer-programmer and have been working there as a system administrator up till now. I would run around to do the grocery shopping and buy stuff for home during lunch time; of course, some of my female colleagues noticed that. The celebration of the New Year in 2001 at a corporate party ended up with acquaintance with a lady from the neighboring company... And that’s how it all started. Unfortunately, it is only now that I know how to escape temptation! At that time, I was befogged; besides, I was not able to hide anything.

In two months, I happened to cheat on my wife; it was a disease indeed, a dimness of my mind; I struggled between my family and mistress who tried her best to take me away from the family. All that time my Tanya was fighting for me and I tried to meet her needs understanding how terrible the situation was; in the end, we managed to make it through and save the family. Tanya suggested to have a church wedding but I was skeptical about it and told her that I was not ready yet. I had made some improvements in the house, furniture for the kitchen and dining room, and as before, I would happily run home after work with full shopping bags.

After two years, Tanya said she had forgiven me but I felt some signs of a rift between us. She started working as a private children’s masseur, earned a lot of money and began to complain about my low, in her opinion, salary. She would recall my unfaithfulness and speak of my lack of attention to her.

I found the second job as a night watchman in a computer company where I also repaired some equipment. My wife seemed to calm down. There was sauna there and jolly crowds would arrange drunken parties but I resisted, - those six months of madness was enough, you know. At the end of 2005, the company moved to another office and so I didn’t have that extra job any more. Once again, my wife began complaining about our low finances and wanted me to find a better job. I tried but a job with a salary higher than 10 thousand rubles is a rare case (in fact, for our city it is good money).

Our elder daughter became an athlete; she made it to the level of Master of the Sport of Swimming and should join the Paralympics team soon. She is quite mature person but is going through puberty period…Our son started to steal things from home and sell them to get money for drink; he gave up his studies and was called up for military service but in half a year he was given an early discharge on a law ground. Now he lives with Tanya’s parents, but my wife almost never gets in touch with him...

This summer, when my wife and daughters were gone to a health resort for three weeks, I had a text message love affair or, to name it correctly, a text message idiocy with my twenty years old colleague. I was flattered that a young, good-looking woman paid attention to me. She was interested in reading my e-mails and I could help to work out her problems…but that was all. I kept getting her text messages even after my wife came back home. At first, I made joke out of it but later I told Tanya everything and was hoping that she would help me to stop. But it turned out just the opposite – my wife and daughter started to look over my mobile phone and check the balance. Some sort of vacuum had formed in our relationship; at the end of August I outburst being drunk and left to my mother’s place. In a week I decided to come back and start a new life but my wife’s response shocked me – she said they were fine without me and needed me no longer...

I was shocked, but at the same time the realization came that I had lost the dearest thing in my life. Everything had changed in the wink of an eye. I had the feeling as if all that was happening with someone else but not with me. Alas… I don’t remember how I got back to my mother’s place; that night was sleepless, the feeling of emptiness in my heart and no desire to live. The apartment was on the eighth floor... just two seconds of falling and then the end… I could almost see my wife in tears and frightened children at my funeral. I was not scared but, thank God, I managed to understand it wasn’t the way out – it would be even worse for everyone. Suddenly, some rhymes began to appear in my mind and I wrote my first poems. Later this hobby helped me to go through the most severe feelings... I made a small book on the computer and dedicated it to my wife and children.

But that would happen later; at that time I was trying hard to find my way back to the family. I thought that this nonsense would soon finish, but my wife remained adamant. I cried and fell down at her feet; I begged her to forgive and allow me to come back home; I promised to do all the housework… well, it was pathetic. I loaded my wife with flowers and presents, put my new poems on the board, sent letters to her, tried to talk to her but she kept on repeating that everything was over, that she did not love me and did not trust me. She would look at me with empty and vacant stare and wouldn’t want to communicate.

The more I expressed my concern and attention, the worse she treated me. At the beginning, she told me that she wouldn’t go for divorce but then she applied for it. Everyone told Tanya that she was wrong, that I had changed and that she must save our family, but her decision was firm: she was not going to stay with me. Our children were cold on me as well, unwillingly talking to me. My life became unbearable and the pain in my heart was constant. And yet, there were some hopes I cherished.

The more I expressed my concern and attention, the worse she treated me. At the beginning, she told me that she wouldn’t go for divorce but then she applied for it. Everyone told Tanya that she was wrong, that I had changed and that she must save our family, but her decision was firm: she was not going to stay with me. Our children were cold on me as well, unwillingly talking to me. My life became unbearable and the pain in my heart was constant. And yet, there were some hopes I cherished.

I was up and doing. My friend, thanks to him, took me to the church. Though I was baptized, I did not go to the church before and did not know any prayers. After that case my eyes spotted the light, I realized my mistakes and true values. I was horrified by the sin I had committed. I prepared for Holy Communion after which my life became much easier and was not pointless any more. Now I felt a great lack of information about life vital questions and avidly started reading spiritual literature about family and marriage. It was very interesting and I found a lot of useful information, but the best thing that fit me best was the Love Recovery site (Russian version) – articles, conversations with priests and psychologists, the forum where you can talk with other people about your problems and thoughts. Many thanks to the site developers!

Thank God, during the first and most difficult period, I did not start drinking. On the contrary, I completely gave it up when understood that it was a starting point for all kind of troubles... My father was right when he refused to drink; he used to say, ‘I do not drink without my wife!’ My God, why didn’t I know things which are obvious to me now, such as how to fight against sin, how to love and treat my wife, how to live following the spiritual law?!! Yes, ordeals are given to people for their own good and are within their powers. Everyone chooses his own way of how to fight, get rid of the negative and sins, how to gain virtue or, else just let everything go the way it is and continue living without analyzing mistakes in his life. God gives us the right to choose and He wishes us only the best.

I’ve been outside of my family for seven months now. I’ve done a lot and maybe something I did was wrong or needless... well, time will show. But I was struggling to save my family and I have not given up; now I’m absolutely sure that everything will be fine! I’m thankful to fortune and to God for all those events and people that were supporting me at that difficult time. I even happened to appear on the ‘Doctor Kurpatov’ TV show (a psychology talk-show) as a main character… Just before the divorce was final, I managed to convince my wife that we needed to say goodbye in a human way; we met after two months of absolute silence and talked for nearly three hours; calmly and constructively we talked about our girls and future life. In spite of my protest, we were divorced anyway. It was quiet and sad during the proceedings, but everything is under God’s will, which means I need to go through it too. My wife started to treat me warmly, the relationships with our children have improved as well; now they want to communicate with me and we have big plans for the future. Life goes on, it is wonderful – you just need to improve yourself a little bit; after all, our happiness is in our own hands and that means, everything will be fine!!!

I would like to give some advices based on my experience.

1.Whatever ordeals come your way – don’t give up, keep on fighting and the most important, don’t drink and don’t go to seed.

2. You don’t have to beg anyone or depreciate yourself.

3. Do not give expensive gifts.

4. Do not seek help from your wife’s friends.

5. Work on self-improvement, change, grow up and help others.

6. Break up in a good way; don’t burn any bridges.

7. With love and thankfulness let the person whom you love go and forgive him/her. With love and thankfullness forgive and let the loved person go. “To error is human, to forgive – Divine.”

8. Try to be with your family, especially with your children. Your life is worth living for their sakes.

9. Live and enjoy each day of your life, remembering that the past is not the future - it does not need to repeat…

I wish you all happiness and love! May God bless you!

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Stanislav, 44 years old

Stanislav, 44 years old

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