How to keep love alive?

The Third person is needed in a family

I think when two people seek love, they often believe it should be trouble free instead of trying to find a recipe of how to spend the rest of their lives together. When partners find some shortcomings in each other they get puzzled and cry, "Why, he/she is not perfect!" People just don’t want to put any effort into improving their relationship. What is important is the right attitude. If a man expects his wife to always look perfect, if a woman expects her husband to always be in a good mood and free of bad habits no matter what, if they demand from each other too much and are not ready to discuss some difficult issues, than such a relationship is most likely to fall apart. Well, maybe during one or two years people can pretend they are perfect but sooner or later they will discover some sins within each other. So, either they will learn to forgive, to improve themselves and make concessions, or they will give troubles to each other.

– Nowadays the idea that love is a temporary condition and turns into a habit with time is well spread. How to keep love alive throughout a lifetime?

There are different things that connect spouses in different periods of their life. It’s obvious that love cannot stay unchanged, it’s different at 18 and 50 because people change.

In the First Epistle to the Corinthians of Paul the Apostle, we read, "Love seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, beareth all things, believeth all things…" Love has many characteristics, that’s why it’s so difficult to discuss it.

What is a habit? Imagine yourself spending half a year with your loved one in a small confined place, for instance, in a tent covered with snow. What will happen? There is a chance you’ll not leave this place alive, you may strangle each other, even though you were ready to move mountains for him/her in the beginning of your relationship. But, if you can keep on going together after such incarceration, it means your love is extremely strong. However, some people may interpret these feelings of yours as a habit. Needless to say, such a habit is worth the greatest passion. Based on this habit you can bring up good children; those close to you might remember you as two angels…

The bad habit is when people just tolerate each other and there is no love between them, only hatred. If spouses don’t even try to develop their relationship for good, if they don’t want to be friends, than it’s a dangerous habit; this isn’t what marriage is about…

Of course, love feelings change with time and you may not notice the same sparkling two partners used to have between them in their twenties or forties. But it doesn’t mean love is not there any more. This is just another stage of relationship, another depth of knowing each other, perhaps one wouldn't live without the other. So judgment can be made only by the results.

– What to do if one of the spouses "works for love" to keep it going but another one does not?

Such situation is quite frequent. If I were in this situation, I would pray. You see, it’s the heart of your loved one that turned away from you and to win it back a miracle is needed. Who can give us such a miracle? Only God. But when you fight for your love, be careful, don’t mix up this struggling with the desire to win advantages for yourself. It’s very easy to accuse your partner for not working for the relationship, it can be just an excuse for breaking-up. Here is where a substitution takes place: you just pretend to be fighting for love but in reality, you blame your spouse and look for the reasons to leave. Flat judgment on who is fighting for love and who isn’t doesn’t do family any good. People should understand that relationships are often built irrationally and when logic keeps silent, there is a chance for the miracle to happen. Family relationships, a small church as we often call it, develop with the help of God; many things depend on God. My own life experience has convinced me of it. Someone may think my words are strange but I’m strong in my opinion. There are situations that cannot be solved by the rational methods, the Third person is needed. Actually, we always need Him, otherwise nothing can exist at all.

Therefore, under the above-mentioned circumstances the best solution is to pray. Acting is also very important. We always say that one has to sacrifice something for love. It’s not an abstract idea, it should be the way we behave towards someone who acts not the way we like.

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Vladimir Gurbolikov, journalist

Vladimir Gurbolikov, journalist

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See also
Nothing should be higher than love (Writer Maxim Yakovlev)
We could not activate love by our own efforts (Igor Gagarin, Archpriest)
Bear each other’s weak points (Painter Olga Motovilova-Komova)
Talk to each other! (Svetlana Shvetsova, psychologist)
Your spouse is the delight you pay no heed to (Irina Rakhimova, psychologist)
I give in my habits (Andrew Klyashtorni, businessman)

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