Talk to each other!
Feelings become dull when a woman bears a baby, in this period she can be particularly emotional, sensitive, irritable and hot-tempered. When a baby is born, he gains the main place in woman’s heart and husband is pushed into the background; this is wrong – it is him that must occupy the first place in woman’s life no matter how dear the child is for her, a man shouldn’t have an impression he isn’t wanted in a family.
In the period of baby nursing, a woman is at a disadvantage in comparison with those females her husband sees every day outside their home. In that time she needs some proofs she is still the best for him; the same goes for a man in his age-specific crisis – he does want to hear arguments about his exceptionality.
When love feelings lose their keenness, mainly because of everyday routine, relations between husband and wife go to ruining. Therefore, it’s so very important to support the fire of love, help each other in every aspect! For instance, being passionate about your work doesn’t mean you should become a workaholic and forget about the relationship with your spouse even though there is a need to act so to provide the family. Communicating with your loved ones and caring about them should be your priority. Find some time to devote your attention to family members, make family parties and keep up some traditions, gather around the table and discuss family problems, learn to listen and hear each other.
How to keep love in marriage? By being open and speaking out your feelings, forgiving offences and considering each other’s needs, helping to do house char and looking after yourself; spiritual growth is also of great importance. Love forgives many mistakes and the arrogant self-justification goes against the nature of love.
Learn to tolerate those close to you, to the reasonable degree of course. Try to avoid quarrels and don’t make a big deal out of nothing. A misplaced glass of water or uncovered tube of toothpaste mustn’t be the subjects to argue about. There is always a compromise to be found. A good way to mollify some serious misunderstandings is to use your sense of humor. I believe, if two people do love each other, they sure can learn to behave in the non-offensive, non-abusive manner, to forgive and ask for forgiveness.
My basic recommendation is to discuss things and not blame each other. The more often spouses talk their emotions over the less resentments and angry outbursts they will experience. It’s rather common case when a woman endures something too long and then just explodes in rage inducing scandal in a family. From one hand, this is a way to let off steam; however, casting the reproaches never helps anybody. Men are just as guilty in practicing such behavior. So absolving the offences, forgiving each other should become the routine procedure, this is a way to sort things out and mend the relationships.
Actually, non-forgiven grudges are the most common issues I deal with in my therapeutic practice. Conflicts of any sort arise from one cause, in particular when one person expects something from the other but the latter doesn’t live up to his/her expectations. Failed expectations give way to mortification from one party, and the feeling of guilt from the other, and then both parties go wild with fury followed by a quarrel. Here is one example: a wife was expecting her husband to come home at 6 pm but he appeared at 8 - on his way home he met his schoolmate and spent some time at the restaurant where they had some beer. The wife didn’t accept any explanations and went angry and thus, their relations got wounded…Another case: a wife wanted to have flowers for her birthday but her husband gave her a ring, she got disappointed; even though she was glad to have a ring, it didn’t match her expectations. She didn’t show her dissatisfaction but the internal conflict happened in her heart anyway. My point is, if you know your loved one well enough, you shouldn’t expect something that is not like him and you should be thankful for any attention from his side; by doing so you can avoid some grounds for disappointment.
Some divorce cases are so absurd. I knew one couple where a wife spent much time talking to her girl friends and her husband didn’t approve it, he craved for her attention. She could forget to cook a dinner and go out with her girl company, and he often was left alone with the kids. Once he asked her to stop and then started the divorce proceedings. When we were discussing their relations, I asked him why he did it. The answer was, "She didn’t find time for me". "But did you talk to her about it?" "I asked her girl friend to let her know that, I was furious and wounded". "Why did you apply for divorce?" "To teach her a lesson, I wanted her to understand she was doing a wrong thing. But I love her and our son and I heard her crying at night…" and so on. The unspoken emotions led these spouses to that odd situation when they got divorced being still in love with each other. Both suffered because haven’t been open with each other.
Time is running fast, we should treasure every moment of it. You are blessed if the one you love is there for you. However, occasionally married people face certain crises because their expectations change with time. During the courting period, partners are happy with restaurants, flowers, sweet presents, nice pastime, etc. In two or three years of marriage, a woman wants her husband to take the trash out, do grocery shopping, clean the carpet or take care of children. Men’s priorities also change; family guys appreciate good cooking and housekeeping which is not always easy for a working woman to do alone. The mutual understanding and support is a very strong thing and the everyday routine cannot damage love and good family relations. But if they expect from each other to become some sort of service staff, their family life is going to be very difficult.
Svetlana Shvetsova, psychologist
Previous articleNext article
Bear each other’s weak points (Painter Olga Motovilova-Komova)
We could not activate love by our own efforts (Igor Gagarin, Archpriest)
Your spouse is the delight you pay no heed to (Irina Rakhimova, psychologist)
The Third person is needed in a family (Vladimir Gurbolikov, journalist)
I give in my habits (Andrew Klyashtorni, businessman)