I just died. The story of suicide
When I was sixteen, I met a guy at the preparatory course for the institute. I hardly recall noticing him in the first year of study. But one day he was there waiting for me at the bus stop. It was winter and very, very cold. And there he was standing waiting for me in this cold. This is how he won my heart.
Once we decided to go to Gorbushka mall (we were not officially dating at that time) and stopped by his father’s place. He introduced me as to his father his girlfriend. I was shocked into silence and said nothing. After all, he seemed to be a nice guy. And then love came…
We have been going out for almost 1,5 year hardly ever separating for more than one day. We could feel and understand each other without words. We needed each other.
Unfortunately, we committed a sin of premarital sex.
Later he made a decision to break up. I think it happened because I was not faithful to him at the time when we were already going out but I was not in love with him yet. For a long time I could not tell him about this, although I realized that I had done a terrible thing. One day I gathered my courage and confessed, preparing myself that he would kick me out the same moment. But he did not and we spent 6 more months together after my confession. But his attitude towards me changed; he became suspicious and jealous. And finally he made a decision to break up.
To say that I felt badly is to say nothing. I simply felt dead. I went out of my mind. I was ready to kneel to him and creep, but not to lose him. I felt like somebody was ripping off my arm or another part of my body. I knew that he still kept my photos under the pillow, but I also knew that he could not be with me anymore. He moved to his friends’ house.
One day I came there. I knew that this was humiliation, but I could not live without him. We talked and he took two weeks to think things over. During these two weeks I was living in hope. I prayed at night and asked for him to be returned to me.
When these two weeks have passed he called and said that this was the end…
I took a shower, dressed nicely. I drank all the medicine that could be found at home. He was going to visit his friend this day, but started to worry and decided to visit me instead. He went to my place. He never really believed that I could do such a thing. But I did. It was like someone whispering to me that there is no other way our and that life is over. When he came I managed to open the door and that is all I remember. The doctors said he came just in time.
I was having terrible nightmares for half a year. It seemed to me that the enemy was standing by looking at me, sometimes I heard a voice in my head saying that life for me was over, that there was no more love for me in the world. It was terrible. When in a state of intoxication, I saw the enemy, he was looking directly into my eyes and I felt horror. I realized that I was dead. And later doctors said that I experienced a clinical death. But he called to my friends who believed in God, explained what had happened, and asked all of them to pray for me. When I came back to consciousness, I already knew that a priest who was my spiritual director would not be able to visit me because he had an injury – I knew it before I was told. For more than half a year I was in a state of constant, terrible fear. I was afraid to sleep because I was scared to see that enemy again and I was afraid of a new day because he was not with me.
The nightmares I had after the intoxication the doctors explained as reaction to medicine. But a friend of mine recommended me to tell everything about these horrible visions to my spiritual father. Another problem was that I could predict what would happen the next day ahead of time, and this also gave me a lot of trouble and fear. At that time I confessed each week and many of people prayed for me. And after I had spoken to my spiritual father and told him about my visions and “visitors”, it was all gone.
3 years I lived in great suffering. I did not see men around me; I just did not pay attention to them, though some guys attempted to offer their friendship to me. I was still crazy about him. I developed a habit of ‘talking’ to him. The moment I found out that he had a new girlfriend I broke into tears on public. Throughout these 3 years I was crying everywhere – in the underground, while visiting friends, at home, while studying. My spiritual father and my friends supported me. They remember that time up until now and say that it was really hard to deal with me back then.
As time went by I started to feel better. I still remembered him, but did not cry that often. My mother asked me not to fall in love anymore, because I scared my family a lot. I simply did not exist for 3 years. I have very vague, sketchy memories about the first 6 months after our breakup: here is he with me, here is the medicine (it was in summer), here comes the new year. Only the enemy with its big eyes was between the time I took the medicine and the next moment I remember half a year later. Nothing else. I did attend the university at that time, did some studying and dragged existence somehow. But many people thought I had gone crazy. I practically ignored death of a close person that happened during that period of time, because at that moment I was too absorbed in my own feelings. I was like zombie with one and only thought circling in my head: that he is not with me right now. Then I went through the phase of a wild spree and lechery. While doing that I did not feel much and refused to realize it was a sin. Strangely enough, I still went to the church rather regularly… Well, it was the way it was. Only illness managed to stop me. I understood that I will either kill myself, or I need to change something. And the scales fell from my eyes.
I still do not know how I managed to live through this painful experience. I think this is mainly due to God’s help, the prayer of my spiritual father and thanks to my friends.
If something similar is happening to anyone you know, especially to someone you are close with, please remember that your support is very much needed. They need your care and attention, please keep the medicine away, take a time to sit down and talk when your close people are scared and suffering. You need to watch closely that this person does not hurt himself (because on the other side a powerful enemy is struggling to win over his soul). Suicide is not a result of mere frustration or suffering. When a person has attempted a suicide, he stepped over a certain border-line, and he needs to be taught how to live again. This is how I see this problem. I remember that the simplest things – like visiting the library or attending a class – were a heroic deed for me, requiring tremendous efforts. Simply moving my feet was a feat. This happens because the soul is ill; it is burned by the sin.
I am 28 now. This summer I have married a person whom I love deeply. I understand now that it was not love, but passion, with my first guy. And I learnt that breaking up with the person you love is not the end of the world; death comes when there is no God in your soul.
I have not seen that guy for some years. Recently I ran into him and we talked. I could remember all the feelings I had towards him, both joy and pain. He told me about his new love, that they broke up 3 years ago and now he wanted to bring her back.
I was looking at him and though that even though he was still the same – same eyes, same face and hands – I realized that we were totally different and could not understand each other.
I also kept thinking: how could I spoil my life so much because of him? Not even spoil, but steal so much of lifetime from myself?! I lost so much time because of a person with whom I have so little in common. I could even die because of him! And could have never met my husband, my true love…
Natasha M., 28 years old
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