«I want to commit suicide»

How to die unprettily, or last hi to dears

Please stop, take a break and let us discuss one more accompanying problem, related to this action. This problem could be stated by one question: how nice is your action to people, who love you?

Let us think together on the fact how many people will be connected to this action, how many sorrows, disasters, disappointments and tears will your suicide bring to those, who wanted only good for you. But please do not tell that there are no such people.

We all are jointed by certain periods of life. Once we have been in the stomach of our mother, who bore us, who felt badly. She was checked by doctors, who wanted to help her and us to be born successfully. Later we came to this world. We came to this world unprotected and small people, who needed love and protection a lot. From the first minute lots of people started to give us attention, love and care. Without their assistance we could not survive until this moment, get education, health and get lots of good moments in your life. First sunset, children morning performance, first lesson and school-leaving party, joy of New Year and fist snow, birthday present and joy of friends.

These are our parents, grandparents, brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles. Of course, these are other relatives as well, doctors, teachers, friends, neighbors and simple good passerby.

Let us remember about people who were glad to see our first steps, who treated us, who fed us, who behaved us, were glad for our successes and were sad of our failures. Remember these people. How many were they? How many were people, who gave you big and small joys, kindness, support and care? How many people in your life simply wanted only good for you, who wanted to help you, who felt sorry when you felt badly? Do you remember? Are you surprised? There were hundreds of such people. How many books and guides are written for you! How many people died in order you to live! Now number of people, who had been living for you, is thousands… 

All these people, without even knowing you, lived for you, thought for you, gave you the warmth of their souls! They did it in order you to feel slightly better, in order you to live better and more comfortable. They did it in order you to know more and to receive more joy, to self-improve your soul while earth life. Making good to a person, we give part of our soul to this person; we give something good and needed to this person…

But not at all. He self-murdered and took part of our soul forever!

How will you pay it to living people or probably to lifeless? How will feel people after found out about your suicide? Of course, it depends on people.

People, who loved, respected and valued you, would feel shock. These will be close to you people – relatives, friends, good acquaints, colleagues, classmates. Mainly these people will become ‘weak link’ after your suicide. These people would suffer more than others because of the endless question: ‘Why?’, ‘What is my fault?’, ‘Why did he do it?’. These questions would tear consciousness by coming again and again; these questions would not allow to sleep, eat and to live. Each time, remembering all the good, related to you, people would find answers to these damn questions and would not find it.

Such sorrow, related to suicide, could not be treated by time (and we, specialists, know about it), this sorrow could only weaken, when it is driven deep inside. But later, under traumatic circumstances and crisisses, this sorrow would come again and further would grip and burn these people, who were dear and close to you. And it would stay year by year until their death.

What will feel the close person, inviting for corpse identification? For the moment to see the dead, mutilated by death body, which he knew for a long time and which was dear, the same as you soul? Can you imagine the condition of this person? This trauma will stay until the end of life.

Close and dear to you people would try to find consolation in Church, but would not find it. Priest, looking at you by big sorrow and pain in eyes, would tell them that in case person rejected God and Church by oneself, it is possible to do nothing. It is not allowed to mention Church. It is not allowed to go against free choice of person, who made suicide. Priest would say that, unfortunately, their close and dear relative dead not only for them, but for God as well. He would also say that Church categorically does not allow to come to a funeral and to pray for self-murderers. They made themselves sentence to hell and refused forgiveness.

Can you imagine eyes, multiple sorrow and internal, frenzied and burning pain of people, leaving the Church?

Think about the way how these people would force themselves, getting red, stammering and thoroughly trying to find words in order to answer the simple question of acquaints, colleagues, friends and relatives: ‘Why did he die?’

It would be very difficult for them to say the truth; unbearably painful to spell this scary, ominous and crossing love word of ‘suicide’. Think about how they would feel telling about suicide of close and dear person (son, daughter, friend, husband, wife, mother and etc.)!

But it would not be the end of troubles for your relatives. Most of people are weak and it is difficult for them to get in touch with pain. Therefore, after expression of sympathy and shock of this information, people move away and distance themselves from it. They are not able to console themselves (in this case, opposite to other deaths, nobody could console) and they do not want to get constant psychological trauma. They try to forget about it. But it is not possible to forget it, because you constantly meet person who suffer on it. Mainly because of it, aquatinters and relatives of close to you people would call you rarely and to find out on what is going on, more often to dash aside and to cancel the meetings. They would loose lots of people, whom they considered as friends and acquaints. Most of their relatives would start to live by own life, forgetting about them. Often people, who were close and later refused because of this action, start to gossip on this topic, gloat over it and to blame self-murderer or close to him or her people (‘It is their fault!’).

And here loneliness will start; and misunderstanding; and constant questions: ‘Why? What for?’; and feeling of guilty, which is not possible to remove from yourself; and loose of friends, sense of life and absence of interest to surrounding; and absence of consolation; and there is no exit. Only pain… This is punishment, which self-murderer got after death. But it does not make you feel better, even worse.

During few years this condition almost always results in diseases (so called psychosomatic disorders – ulcer, hypertension, coronary disease, diabetes etc.), and very often in mental insanities (schizophrenia, psychosis, asthenia and others). During work in the oncological department, I saw unbelievable number of people who had oncology after suicide of close people.

Often after suicide of close person, very strange events start to happen: dear and close people to self-murderer suddenly die in the accident or they are killed. It is like destiny starts to follow close people of self-murderer: catastrophes, diseases, flames, strong problems in the family, inexplicable loss of property and health, loss of job, failures and defeats. It is known to cultures of many nations, which has been set by social prohibition of suicide.

But even if nothing would happen, you parents, friends, acquaints, relatives, who cared for you, would reach old-age period.

During old ages, as it is known, all diseases, gained during entire life, become acute. The same happens with all psychological scars. Old age or heavy fatal illness is time for summation, the autumn of life when all questions and sufferings become alive. Step by step person tries to find answers for all questions, which torment person during life, to solve contradictions of soul and to find harmony of the heart… But there is no harmony any more… There is no close and dear person any more, who left life by such method; you would never have help, which you need now so much; there is nothing to correct and understand. Hopes did not come true. The meeting after death would not take place. You are lost forever…

Body is ill. The same happens with soul. Soon the time will come to go to the travel…

Now there are lots of lonely old people who stop their lives in home for senior citizens (in the future, to all appearance, this would be even worse). They have no children, relatives, friends and acquaints to take care of them. They drag out miserable and difficult life, often under inhuman conditions. They suffer.

So, before doing this fatal step, think thoroughly: do you doom people, who made a lot for you and loved you, to such old ages and diseases. Probably, now besides you, lots of people could support them. But it could change. And it will change. People who are with them now could pass away, or move, or quarrel or forget them. People who are with them now could find another business; they could get cold and would not be able to take care of others. And people, who loved you, would stay alone… Lonely dying, suffer because dreams are broken and no chance to improve nothing; uncertainty, misunderstanding. This is the edge of life… It is very difficult and scary…

Before I wrote about people, whom you are dear for and who made only good for you. What about enemies? Or close person who has been close to you before, but made you hurt? Person whom suicide is addressed to?

It is very easy with them. Person, even if he or she is guilty, would try to justify him or her.

If there is a desire to do it, it won’t be any problems with it. Moreover, in order to justify themselves, people try to condemn and blame the victim. This phenomenon was noticed by the famous expert of human souls Lev Tolstoy, in addition, we all know that attack is the best protection. People, who hurt or had unfair attitude, start to calm themselves and find convincing arguments. Enemies could not be punished by this; and it is almost impossible to cause the feeling of guilty from them. If they were able to hurt so much, it means that they were egoists; person in love with himself could not feel the pain of another person. People, whom we wanted to bring pain, almost won’t be able to feel it, they continue their standard life; probably from time to time they could remember it by blaming you and sometimes even bragging that this weakling made suicide because of them (such important ones). This could increase their self-appraisal in the faces of others.

This pain sticks into hears of most close and loving, often innocent people.

I would like to give several examples to the afore-said. I was witness of all these stories.

1 story:

Home for senior citizens. Woman of 77 years old, bed patient, suffering by intractable pains. Elder daughter in the family. Parents died. She had 2 brothers and one sister. Sister died in babyhood. Brother, member of armed forces, was killed on military duty in . Junior brother, the lovely one, who was younger than she for 18 years, self-murdered himself during military service because his girlfriend left him.

This woman had daughter – alcoholic person, who send this woman to home for senior citizens.

When she speaks about brother (in 30 years after suicide), her eyes are full of tears, she sobs and cries. She says that the most scary thing is that she would not see him in next world; she was about to sob her socks off. She strongly blamed herself for her inability to prevent this suicide (though she has no abilities to prevent it). It was a very difficult conversation with person who mourns brother, self-murderer, during 30 years.

She said nothing about that fact that if he hadn’t do this action, she, probably, won’t get into this house and in such condition. But I understood it and I thought about it. Please think about it as well…

2d story:

Sixteen years ago this Russian woman came from with daughter of three years old. It was war there, Russian people were in danger and she had been forced to leave this country.

Her husband, Tajik man, refused to follow her. She had to settle down in remote Moscow area alone. She worked a lot, it was difficult, and she took any job in order to earn money for place to stay and to feed and provide clothing to her daughter. She worked at two working places. She had no free time and of course private life. Her meaning of life contained only to have roof and food for her and daughter. 14 years passed…

Daughter graduated school with success and entered colleague. This woman managed to earn money for own apartment and stopped to rent the apartments. She bought small, but brick-making house not far from the district center. Relations with daughter were good.

In a while this woman noticed strangeness in daughter’s behavior. She started to wear strangely, to use nonstandard make-up, made piercing in few places and put sparkle clips there.

Her behavior changed as well. More often she stayed with her friends at their places, visited concerts of groups in Moscow , the names of which woman did not even hear. When she saw friends of her daughter, their clothing surprised her as well. On her question what is this strange clothing, she got a response from daughter: ‘Emo’. That time woman was not able to understand it. Later daughter started to philosophize on life’s meaning absence, unfairness of this world and on cruelty of people. Mother could not make any objections, because she did not know this meaning by herself. But she knew for sure that she is living because of her daughter. Further it became worse. While talking, daughter started to blaspheme and did not pay attention to mother’s criticism and got annoyed on it. Mother thought that in time her child will have sown one's wild oats! So she did…

It was suicide. It happened in Moscow , at daughter’s friends place. The body of her daughter was found by police. There were investigation, funeral, mother’s tears, ruining of hopes.

Crime investigator told her that originally her daughter joined youth sub-culture ‘Emo’ (‘Morons’ – it was the characteristic of it from the crime investigator); later the search of the life meaning brought her to members of satanic cults (more correctly to young dolts, who considered themselves as such members). Investigation failed to find additional details, but it was known that her daughter climbed the roof while spacing of a drug and jumped down, she was brought to the wall of the building by wind and, hitting balconies and salient angles of canopies of the building, fell down.

There were her several friends at the funeral, they promised support to her mother and told that they would never forget her and would always help.

Mother was not able to sleep and to eat. She could hardly believe in what had happened. During day and night she was suffered by the questions: ‘Why did I lead myself to exhaustion? Who will need it now? Why did she do it? What is my fault?’

In 5 days after funerals she had heart attack and she was taken to the hospital.

Exactly on the ninth day after death of the daughter their house caught fire. Woman was out when it happened. Electricity was turned off by the neighbor when woman had been taken to the hospital. It was not possible to find out the reason of fire. It was a big secret even for the fire inspector. For a long he tried to figure out the reason in perplexity, but was not able to provide reasonable explanation, as a result it was simply said that the reason of fire was not found out. House burnt to the ground. Woman had no money to restore it because everything was spent for funerals and all value things burnt.

After withdrawal from hospital, woman had no place to live, but she had a long process of recovery of her health! No one offered her the place to stay. Her friends dashed aside of her, the friends of daughter did not show themselves. She lived in shelter of branches near the river until one stranger offered her money to buy lot. This money was enough to buy small house in neighboring area, but everything happened differently. The purchase was documented and he bilked her out of money. Now she is a homeless person for more than a year, she stays in distributing center of Kurski train station, often rummages at dump of hard domestic waste in order to find food. She connects her present condition with suicide of the daughter.

3d story:

Last year this man died. He lay in oncological center with last stage of cancer. Before it, he had a good family and three children (elder daughter and two sons). Man earned a lot and his wife was a housewife. Everything was fine. Daughter got married, elder son was studying in university, and junior son was preparing to enter the medical institute. All his life he wanted to become a doctor, to help and treat people. But to this or that reason he failed to enter the institute. He was overwhelmed by strong worries. All the family told him that there is noting terrible in it and he would enter the institute next year; but then he went into his shell and suffered. And another tragedy happened: his best friend betrayed him. This friend (if he could be called like this) started to date with his girlfriend secretly and it was discovered… After suicide attempt young man died agonizingly for almost two months being in consciousness. During these two months understanding that he would die, he asked for forgiveness from everyone, he regretted of his action and begged doctors to rescue him. Doctors made all the best, but it was not enough…

When he died, all members of the family were in deepest sorrow, because he was the favorite of all the family. His mother grew old in few days, father cried all the time, brother (as far as I know) started to drink, sister tried to help them all, but she was depressed as well.

On ninth day mother, sister and her husband went to the cemetery. Father and son on the second car drove behind. Suddenly truck of the median strip caught on first car, which was close to the dividing strip. Their car was carried out to median strip, where it was crashed to another big truck. Stoke was very strong, car was broken up and in conclusion reinforced concrete slab fell down from second truck to this car.

Could you imagine what the reaction of father and son was, who saw this accident by own eyes…?

After funeral of mother and sister, the new disaster came: remaining son expelled from university because of his non-attendance. He stayed for days with his friends and drunk vodka because he was not able to stay sober. Moreover, after all tragedies happened to the family, he became very aggressive, especially being drunk. There was no day without drunken fight. And one day his father was informed that his elder son died during drunken fight.

Father, burying the last son, stayed alone. In five months cancer was found out. In spite of favorable prognosis and treatment in full, tumor progressed. No treatment gave result. Oncologists were very surprised by it.

I saw him and talked to him one week before his death. He didn’t think about himself in spite of pains. He did not complain. He regretted on the fact how the lives of the members of his family were crossed. He did not doubt that suicide of his junior son started the line of misfortunes and tragedies, which caused such terrible finish only in 8 months. He told that right after his death strange things started to happen in their house: strange sounds, chink of the dishes, crying at night, feeling of horror of people in the apartment (even guests of visitors), feeling of despair, which followed all the time.

In spite of this, he did not blame his son, but grieved for him and his soul. When priest came to his room in the hospital, he confessed and made communion, after this he asked priest if he could see his junior son after death. Once received negative answer, he cried for a long time. In the evening of the same day he refused to have dinner and in the morning nurse saw him dead. 
( 12 voices: 2.75 of 5 )

Michael Khasminski, crisis psychologist

Michael Khasminski, crisis psychologist

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See also
Suicide methods: or How to come off (Peter Rozumni, expert in forensic medicine)
Suicide мethods. Suicide without rose-colored spectacles (Michael Khasminski, crisis psychologist, Peter Rozymni, expert in forensic medicine)
I just died. The story of suicide (Natasha M., 28 years old)
Low self esteem leads to pathological dependence on other people (Psychologist Irene Rakhimova)
Don’t dream to have life full of happiness only (Andrey Lorgus, priest )
Who is self-murderer? (Michael Khasminski, crisis psychologist)
Suicide thought comes from angels of darkness (Serge Nickolaev, archpriest )
Planned suicide (Evelyn, 20 y.o.)
Is man piece of shit? (Helen)
Right for suicide (Dmitri Semenik)

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