Work hard if you want to keep love
Often the reasons for divorce, betrayal and parting are that we allow the relationship to be ruled by our emotions. We consider emotions and feelings as something firm and stable but feelings like weather can become weaker and stronger. We, as navigators, should move our boat to the selected goal in spite of all storms and calms. We should be prepared in advance that feelings could become weaker and we will have to support and warm them up. In addition, we should remember that the sun always comes out after rain.
If a person does not know such a thing, then the first rain can be interpreted as a tragedy, “It is over!”. But nothing is over. Love does not end, as the Apostle Paul says. Real love is always in development, it grows with time. There are several stages of love known. It starts with a passionate infatuation, then increases, becomes deeper and stronger if a person has the correct approach and is ready to make efforts for it.
I can define such approach in one word – “faithfulness”. No matter what, people should be faithful. This is like a pivot. If we try to be faithful, we can overcome all difficulties which are unavoidable on the way of love by making great efforts. Thus, two partners move to perfection.
If there is no such an adequate system of values then a person cannot go through development. He/she changes the “objects of infatuation” and chances to meet the real and only love are getting smaller. A person destroys him/herself and others. If you, consciously or by press of emotions, connected your life with such a person the work to keep love going would rest solely on your shoulders. So, first you should decide if you are ready to bear this responsibility during your entire life.
One Evangelistic parable says that a person planning to build a house should weight up his forces in order not to be laughed at by others in case of failure.
Planning the future life together based on the preliminary model is a key to the project success. Accents that were emphasized in the period of before-marriage relationships and uncompromising attitude to reach the set goals will strengthen you in overcoming life difficulties. Family should become the purpose and the meaning of life.
The family model includes long-term and short-term tasks and goals. One of the main long-term goals is to consider your chosen one as the only one teammate given to you by God until the life ends. Just put these notes at the tables of your heart and remind yourself of the given promises in difficult moments. Having met the difficulties you should consider such excuses as “probably this is not love”, “we don’t match each other”, “we could not get along” and others as your own weakness and inability to build the deep relationships.
If we are looking for stable and harmonious relations, we should change our opinion about our chosen one and often we need to change ourselves as well. The relations between two loving people include not only gifts but also sacrifices. In order to understand if your partner is able to sacrifice himself, his desires and time, it is good to let him be involved into some social services, for example, to help the sick, poor people and orphans. It will give you a chance to know yourself better as well. You can say it is difficult. Yes, it is but this is a hard work that can bring joy in the end, and the same is with love. It is much more difficult to keep love but this is the main cause for the human life and it is worth working for the sake of it.
Look at your chosen one’s family. In the past no one agreed to name the wedding day without checking the family of the fiancé or fiancée – if it was complete, what kind of relationship it was based on, if a person was diligent or not, etc. Based on that knowledge people were to decide whether they wanted to be a part of that family.
They say a person that can keep a friendship is able to make a close-knit family. If a person can make strong friendly relations, he or she will pass these abilities into their family. For friendship is also checked by ordeals, some small things and time. If during some life difficulties a person supports others, does not leave a friend in need, can keep secrets, it means this is a trustworthy person and you can confide in him/her.
It is very important to understand what we expect from our future spouse. Should he work and what income should he have? What interests should he posses? Would he like to have many children and should he pay a lot of time for their upbringing? It is absolutely necessary to talk about all these things with your partner! Each of these issues has a big influence on a family’s future life. Most of marriages break up within the first 1-2 years because the ideal impression of each other disappears quickly and the real life starts. Often what happens is that we have our set of expectations and our spouse – another. Then, some serious conflicts take place and not everyone can overcome them. These conflicts would not happen if people discussed these topics with each other beforehand.
Ask questions! As Aristotle said, in order to solve a problem you need to ask questions correctly. If you find out that you and your partner do not coincide in some areas, still there will be less misunderstanding. If during the discussion some huge differences arise, he/she will most likely leave you quite soon. In this case let him/her go!
Even if your choice is correct, no one can give a guarantee for an unclouded life in future. Nowadays the traditions a family should be based on got lost and loving families became a happy rare exception. These traditions are faith in God, a religious approach for marriage, having many children and leadership of a man. It is difficult to keep such a lifestyle even for the orthodox spouses because we had 80 years of spiritually deprived behavior and often a wife involuntary competes with her husband for the leadership and looks for creative self-realization. A man doesn’t know how to defend his male role. However, such distribution of roles is set even in metabolic processes of male and female bodies – male’s processes are directed to learning the outdoor environment and female’s – for keeping everything within herself. Thus the disharmony and conflicts begin, new holes in the love boat appear.
Infatuation is a superficial feeling which cannot stay for a long time. Love is checked by time. 10-15 years is considered to be a borderline when we understand that the person is not going to leave or betray us and that we can put our trust in him/her. A blending of two people occurs on all levels – on physical, emotional and spiritual. They really become a single whole.
Therefore, in order to maintain love you should not demand things from your partner but you should try to be humane yourself – faithful, loving and patient no matter what.
Psychologist Irina Rakhimova
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