Is it possible to get back the lost love?

It takes maturity to love

True love doesn’t fade away; therefore, it doesn’t make sense to speak about love coming back in this case. Love can come into your life but only under one condition - if you are able to mature.

To mature means learning to conquer your pride, exorbitant self-pity and self-worshiping. In some cases the problem lies in low self-esteem, say, when we are not able to tell our loved ones ‘no’ even if this would help them change in a good way.

I believe that only mature souls are able to love truly. In order to mature we must work hard at ourselves. It means laboring together with other people who are both close and distant, laboring at home and in our neighborhood, in office and on streets. This is a daily effort upon yourself, at what you bring to others. The tragedy of the present is that we are so selfish, just like spoiled kids (‘give it to me and give it to me now!’) therefore many of us don’t meet love of a lifetime. Love can be somewhere within reach but we just don’t get to the point.

I like the definition of marriage between immature people given by famous psychologist Jung. He named this act a ‘complementary’ marriage, which means that partners based their relationship on some likings, common problems and their immature nature that tied them up together. For instance, a woman for whom it was important to act as mother found a man that enjoyed his role of son. So they built up a family. But this is not love, such type of a family can lead a couple and their children into a big trouble.

There are some people among my patients with whom we had to work for quite a long time, about 2-3 years, to help them build close relationships with their spouses. In the beginning of the course a person would come to me filled with loneliness, confusion and lost hopes. However, in a few years that same person was able to form happy relationships with his/her partner based on trust and deep feelings. When I see such a change, tears come to my eyes and I think, ‘My God, what a happy person! He managed to make his loved ones happy too’. People do not afraid of possible loss, misfortune or sickness any longer when they have found true and reciprocal love.

Unfortunately, today our society is established the way that people rarely can reach relations of high standards. A lot of people are driven by false values. Thus, a mother can teach her daughter to marry a rich guy trying to convince her that a poor one would be a shame. Many parents don’t even spend enough time with their children providing only financial support and education. What I mean to say is that in general the warm feelings and close relationships are considered as a minor thing. Afterwards the grown up children turn for help to the priests or psychologists for they feel lost and desperate, for nobody has taught them how to be adults and follow the heart.

Though it is very important to focus on another person, you still have to realize that the dearest one is always with you – this is yourself. Strangely enough, today people do not realize what the most important for them in life is.

I often think why people lead a loose life cheating on their beloved. I feel a great pity for such people because they have not yet learnt to build a sincere relationship, they know only this one primitive way to get closer to another person.

Nowadays many successful men, managers of large companies, well-educated and athletic-looking have either never been married or have passed through two or three marriages and a sequence of mistresses. People float along life remaining teenagers in heart. They live and act in the categories of ‘I want’ not thinking about ‘what I am.’ But one thing cannot be separated from the other! Today people do not ask themselves a question ‘what does my soul need to be happy?’ The idea of happiness has been depreciated, it is now lost from human spiritual life and replaced by the idea of joy of achievement which is more primitive value. So, when we ask ourselves ‘what do you need, my soul, to be happy?’ it turns out that it is all about the giving but not taking.

The borderline between morality and amorality is very thin and the criterion for evaluation of this lies in our hearts. Say, you can work for good with a clear conscience and feel happy about it. On the other hand, I know some people working in the public organizations who seem to be doing a good deed but in reality they don’t have a peace of mind. The same can happen to religious people as well. Some men go to church, confess, learn to be humble but still cannot grow up fully. Also other people can overcome various difficulties but are not able to regulate their private life. Therefore some believers often say that one shouldn’t follow his/her feelings because they can deceive and so better to follow the rules. But, following the rules only and forgetting your feelings you are even more likely to be deceived and fall into a deeper state of despair. Indeed, there is a notion called ‘a dual morality’ but there is no notion of ‘a dual conscience’. Conscience is inseparable.

So we see that humility is not enough to love – you have to mature. One must learn to build and defend his identity in communication with other people. This is a laborious task both within yourself and upon others. Gaining a strong sense of self-consciousness and learning to restrain ourselves and others including those closest to us is of much importance. People have to learn to differentiate the right from the wrong. When needed they have to be able to say to someone, ‘Don’t treat me like that, I won’t allow this, it’s not right and it hurts.’

I know a young woman that had lived through a devastating romance. She loved one man badly but he was unable to make the most important decision in his life. Weeping and crying about losing her the man could not bring himself to tie his life with her. Here is the paradox - sometimes people value their freedom much more than their love. Commitment is something that scares people. From one hand, they seek intimacy but at the same time it horrifies them. So, that lady had to break up with the guy. What amazed me was her ability to tell that fellow calmly what he had done to her and how painful it was, she didn’t blame or insult him. The surprising thing was that afterwards she learnt to talk about her feelings openly with others. She became a whole new person. Now she is able to live following her heart and differentiate the truth from deceit.

In a similar way God sends us pain, loss, treason, alienation. For if the pain is sent it means you can accept it, live through it and gain the maturity.

( 3 voices: 4.33 of 5 )

Psychologist Irene Karpenko

Psychologist Irene Karpenko

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See also
Let’s defeat hostility with love (Archpriest Igor Gagarin)
The one you love may not yet be ready for love (Priest Andrew Lorgus)
In order to get back the lost love one should overcome his selfishness (Psychologist Irene Moshkova)
Remain close to each other at all levels (Psychologist Irene Rakhimova)
If you wait, your former partner definitely won’t come back (Evmeniy (Peristyi), Abbot)

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